No blues. Just abstract truth. Let’s do this.
As you can tell by my random Friday outbursts, I’m usually a crank come end of the week. What with term papers, blogging duties, oil spills and hot ladies resisting my advances, Week In Reviews more often than not come off as mere forums to air my laundry list of grievances. And with good reason. For those of you who’ve never been to Gainesville, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: it’s really, really hot. Like oppressively hot. Picture yourself sitting on a black tarmac in the pit of Hell.
Now add homework… Gainesville.
But this week, I’m feeling light, bright and airy. So instead of bitching about little things bereft of any real tangible significance, I’m going to pull a 180 and tell you why the last eight or so days have been pretty damn awesome.
But first, a little Zeppelin.
1) Tiger Woods, sans bandwagon jumper Hank Haney, has decided that maybe playing from the short stuff at Pebble is the way to go. I wouldn’t believe it had I not witnessed it with my own eyes, but I swear he just hit a stinger 3-iron off three. Haven’t seen that since last decade. Advantage: guy who once won the Open at Pebble by 15.
2) Japanese sensation Ryo Ishikawa took it upon himself to play as an Easter egg on Thursday.
Ryo Ishikawa as played by Peter Cottontail.
3) Sticking with Open Golf, Kenny Perry decided this week that he’d start dressing like a man. Seriously, this is more startling than The Fab Four’s transformation from “A Hard Day’s Night” to “Beatles for Sale.” Perry looks – dare I say it – sinister. Too bad he still sucks.
4) Sticking with Open Golf some more, Pebble Beach is currently being graced by the presence of one Robb Hilson, who’s pre-gaming for Father’s Day by heckling Phil Mickelson in person. Just kidding. He’d never do that… Or would he?
5) Sticking with Robb Hilson and Father’s Day, this is indeed the weekend that I repay my pops for a year’s worth of awesomeness by filling one of the gaps in his jazz vinyl collection. I have faith in you, Priority Mail. Please don’t bend the corners. This one is epic.
6) Bryan Holt Tuesday via Twitter: “On behalf of everyone watching Rays/Braves: How in the hell does Kawakami have a major league contract?” What Bryan doesn’t know is that interleague rules dictate that opposing teams must spot Atlanta a game any time Kenshin Kawakami (now 0-9) makes an appearance on full rest. So really, the Braves have already won the series on the strength of Axl Rose lookalike Tommy Hanson’s 7 inning, 3 hit performance Wednesday. I’d also like to point out that if you erased KK from the space-time continuum (something I’m sure Frank Wren has tried), the Braves would have the best record in baseball.
(UPDATE: Braves took the series anyway. Suck it, Holt.)
7) My sister just graduated from high school, enrolled at a local college in San Francisco, and is currently pursuing her career as Undisputed Champion of the World. I can’t show a picture of her on account of our young male readers, but I can share some of her incendiary art work.
Feel free to wave to her if you’re ever in Orinda, CA. She’s the one in the black BMW driving unsuspecting bicyclists off the road.
8) I am 100 percent sure that Kobe will top the Celtics tonight, thereby singlehandedly nullifying 6 months worth of bad bets in a mere three-hour span. If, however, the Lakers don’t win game 7… um… look for me at a Mexican outhouse near you!
(UPDATE: VICTORY! Ron Artest scores 20 points and the greatest post-game interview of all-time… Kobe takes my words to heart… Phil Jackson coins the phrase “one for the toe”)
9) Mandy Drury’s proving to be a better closer than Michael Jordan. Outstanding Friday.
10) Leaving for The 305 tomorrow, which means next week’s posts should be filled with firsthand accounts of awkward run-ins with the world’s preeminent Latina talent. CALIENTE! I’ll use any spare time to brush up on my Spanish.
Pero ahora, vamos a hacer esto.
On the 6/10 “B.S. Report,” Adam Carolla channeled my innermost thoughts when he told Bill Simmons, “I just want to say this to all the soccer idiots out there: leave us alone! We don’t like your sport. We have superior sports.”
Channeling Bryan Holt’s innermost thoughts, Carolla added, “The phenomenon of it is the drunk hooligans.”
Last Friday, photos leaked of Washington Capitals star Alex Ovechkin partying wildly with beautiful women on a private yacht. Caps management did say they wanted Ovechkin to spend his offseason “on ice.” Simple, but unfortunate mix up.
Ovechkin heard “Smirnoff on ice.”
As Americans jumped on the soccer bandwagon for this year’s World Cup, several first-time viewing audiences were confused as to why ABC chose Carrot Top as lead analyst.
On Friday during his post (alleged) assault media blitz, Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger promised fans they’d see “a new Ben.” I think I speak for all sober people when I say, I don’t care if “Ben” got a makeover or not. Keep him in your pants, Roethlisberger.
Over the weekend, Washington Nationals phenom Stephen Strasburg backed up his 14-strikeout debut with 5 1/3 innings of 2-hit ball – or as Strasburg would call it, “an unmitigated disaster.”
On Sunday, Fox re-aired “The Simpsons” curling episode, painfully reminding 50 million Americans of the only sport they’d rather watch less than soccer.
Also on Sunday, at the St. Jude Classic, journeyman Robert Garrigus blew a three-stroke lead on the tournament’s 72nd hole, or as French fans would say, “Pulled a John F****** Van De Velde.”
News broke this week that FedEx is offering $10 million to the BCS conference that accepts the University of Memphis. I really hope there’s a taker. Can you imagine the marketing synergies?
Tiger Football: Where “Mailing It In” Isn’t Just a Pretense.
On Monday, Japan shocked Cameroon 1-0 in World Cup play. This marked both Japan’s first WC victory outside of its homeland and the only time Asians have topped Blacks in a sport not involving swords.
In non sequitur news, can somebody please explain to me why former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain did a Lovaza commercial?
After game five’s loss to the Celtics, Kobe Bryant told Yahoo! Sports that L.A.’s defense “belongs on milk cartons.” In Kobe’s defense, he would’ve toned down his remarks had he known teammate Adam Morrison’s actually been on a milk carton.
And finally, on Monday, the I-75 “Touchdown Jesus” statue in Ohio was burned to the ground during a thunderstorm. While state officials suspect lightning struck the six-story figure, a number of travelers have since claimed to have seen Charlie Weis miles down the road with matches and a can of kerosene. RIP, Notre Dame program.
Your thoughts, Ron?