WWE RAW: Semi-Live Coverage From the Trailer Park

Not in the building tonight.

That’s right, Casualtists. It’s the return of sports entertainment. 

RAW is now considered a family show, yet it has the words “all in, balls out” in its theme song. Oh well, we’re live from Bridgeport, Conn. Let’s do this. 

9:02 WWE chairman Vince McMahon comes out first to a huge crowd reaction. Fun fact: His wife is the frontrunner to be the Republican senator for this state in the Fall. Lots to look forward to for them. 

9:05 Vince “fires” Bret Hart from his duties as general manager of RAW. Crowd boos. The new “GM” of RAW will be kept anonymous. 

9:07 Vince goes to wrap up his promo when…you guessed it…somebody else’s music started playing and interrupted everything. It’s Sheamus the large, ginger Irish man who won the WWE title at last night’s Fatal Four-Way pay-per-view. A sign in the crowd reads: Sheamus glows in the dark. Good stuff. 

9:12 You’ll never guess what happened to Sheamus’ rant. Yep, it got interrupted too. This time by everybody’s favorite Jonas Brother, John Cena, or as he is occasionally known, Hulk Hogan in jean shorts. Cena is for some reason cheerful about losing his title last night. Maybe they’re making a sequel to “12 Rounds.” 

9:15 The new “anonymous” GM literally sends his commands through E-mails that are read by uber-douchey announcer Michael Cole. I wish I was making this up, but I am not. 

Bronzer, check.

9:18 So after a jumbly, kind of jumpy promo segment, we have determined that Cena will face Sheamus for the WWE title in tonight’s main event and the seven NXT rookies who have been raising hell for the last two weeks have officially been given contracts by the anonymous GM. 

Match: Evan Bourne vs. Chris Jericho 

Jericho has a losing streak storyline going. Bourne beat him last night. Jericho just announced that if he loses this rematch, he’ll leave the WWE “forever.” Uh, yeah. 

We get our first example of a wrestling commercial break during a match. They always go the same way. Bad guy gets out of the ring and stares into space as if to say “alright run your damn commercials now.” 

In contrast to popular belief, NASCAR drivers do not pull over to the side of the track during FOX commercial breaks, 

Evan Bourne does not look like a pro wrestler at all. He’s short, he doesn’t have scraggly, long, washed-up dude porn star kind of hair and he has no tattoos. He fits into the WWE like a good-looking girl fits in at the Taco Bell by my house. 

Like Wally Cleaver in tights.

The most predictable moments in pro wrestling: Rest holds. When wrestlers pretend like they’re about to tap out to some awful submission hold except really they’re just taking a breather from the match. Announcers always try to sell the “Oh my! He’s gonna tap out!” Doesn’t work. 

Chris Jericho wins by pinfall. Pretty good match for television. I for one was completely shocked that Jericho won. I mean who wouldn’t want their grand exit from wrestling to come in some second-rate arena in Somewhere, Connecticut in an un-advertised match on the USA Network? 

9:42 Ted DiBiase, Jr. fires his dad’s longtime right-hand man, Virgil, in favor of valet Maryse. A quick Wiki search tells us that Maryse is a “glamour model.” I think I might know what that means. 

When Virgil asks DiBiase what he is going to do for protection, DiBiase smirks and says, “I’ll go to the drug store.”  A quick Wiki search tells us that DiBiase is a married born-again Christian. This duo is promising.

Out with the old.

In with the new.

9:45 When I was a little kid, I always got excited when I saw mysterious limos show up at wrestling shows. One just showed up, and I’m assuming that it is loaded with the NXT rookies as they are set to address the “WWE Universe” (read: fans) tonight.

Match: Natalya vs. Tamina 

Natalya is part of the Hart Dynasty, so they’re pissed because Bret has been fired. She’s facing the valet of the trio that they are feuding with. 

These women look like they could legitimately kick ass. Natalya is growing on me in the looks department. Natalya is the daughter of Jim Neidhart, Tamina the daughter of Jimmy Snuka. 

Match ends in a no contest. The NXT Seven invades the ring as we get sent to a commercial for this “Despicable Me” movie. If the little green dudes are featured heavily in this movie, I’m all about it. 

9:57 The NXT Seven begin their promo after commercial break. They begin issuing “apologies” to all the people that they have beaten the hell out of the last two weeks. Each one is getting more and more sappy. They are acting nice to a cheesy point. This is kind of like a movie where the kidnappers draw the kids in with kindness. Honestly, this is creepy. 

The men continue their speeches to chants of “you suck.” I’m not exactly sure what they’re going for here. Leader Wade Barrett is now challenging Sheamus for his title. If this is meant to be some kind of face turn, it is very, very strange. 

10:09 One of my current favorites makes his slow-motion entrance. Yes, it’s the Monday Night Delight, the Shaman of Sexy, the Admiral of Abdominals, John Morrison. 

He’s scheduled to face DiBiase who comes out with Maryse. He has “better things to do”…obviously. So Zack Ryder takes his place and DiBiase heads to the back with Maryse where he will surely spend the rest of the night on the phone with his wife. 

Match: John Morrison vs. Zack Ryder 

Morrison’s gimmick is that he is basically Jim Morrison without the heroin and acid. Okay, maybe not. Ryder literally has a Jersey Shore gimmick. G-T-freaking-L. 

 

Morrison wins by pinfall. Short match, but I’m in favor of anything that gives John a push. 

10:17 Cena goes into his kind of whiney, kind of preachy promo mode backstage. In case you’re wondering, he doesn’t accept the NXT apology. 

At this time, I’d like to say that this has really been a great episode so far. Excellent progression of storylines with a lot still hanging in a tweener cloud. Hopefully the next 40 minutes keeps this going. 

I’d also like to name-drop Robbie Hilson in case he’s struggling through this coverage. Robbie, you’re not fooling anyone, you watch wrestling matches on YouTube. 

10:22 A Randy Orton commercial airs which reminds me, I haven’t seen him yet tonight. Randy Orton is by far the best singles wrestler going on RAW right now, so this is disappointing. 

Match: Great Khali and Eve vs. Primo and Alicia Fox in a mixed tag team match 

This is a time-killer throw-away match, so I’ll treat it as one. 

How do you write two hours of live programming every week? You write a decent amount of good stuff and fill the rest with this. Eve does make up for it with a pretty sick moonsault. The fact that she is stupid hot doesn’t hurt either. 

The ever-improving match.

Great Khali and Eve win by pinfall. 

10:29 Randy Orton is shown walking to the ring as we go to commercial break. He’s going to talk about something. Prepare for awesomeness. 

10:32 “I hear voices in my head!” That’s how Orton’s entrance music begins. I told you so. 

In a world of faces that get cheers by sucking up to crowds and smiling, Randy Orton is a badass who does nothing to be a “good guy” but gets cheered the most anyways. 

He is interrupted (shocking!) by The Miz, yes the guy from “The Real World.” The Miz is sick of seeing Orton in the main event and he wants a WWE title shot from Sheamus. Because this is the WWE, they’re now fighting. Edge comes out of nowhere to spear Orton and leave him lying in the middle of the ring. 

Weird but interesting segment that leaves plenty of open storylines. 

10:39 It is announced that the WWE title match is up next. Much more time than a RAW main event is typically given. Hopefully this is a good thing. 

10:43 Oh yeah, Vince McMahon is the special referee for the main event. I’ve been a wrestling nerd for long enough to know that this is probably some kind of set-up. 

Match: John Cena vs. Sheamus for the WWE Championship 

The match begins as Cena throws his shirt into the crowd. I am assuming that he intends for some screaming teenage girl to catch it. It’s instead caught by a pimply dude in his late teens. Cenation is out in full force. 

The crowd is overcome with dueling “Let’s go Cena!” and “Cena sucks!” chants. Guess which one is coming from the portion of the crowd with the deeper voices. 

You get the picture.

The show goes to commercial as Cena and Sheamus go take a three-minute beer break. Unless you’re there, you can’t prove me wrong. 

Beer break over, we’re back and both guys are on the ground. I told you so. 

Many who hate Cena hate him because of his “Super Cena” gimmick where he mysteriously becomes awesome instead of selling the other wrestler’s offense. I’ve seen him go from stretcher to domination in roughly two minutes before. This is unrealistic, and as you know, there is no room for unrealistic nonsense in pro wrestling. 

Cena does three moves and Cole screams “Vintage Cena!” This is vintage Cena because Cena just performed three out of the four moves that he does in the entirety of every single match. 

And now we bring to you…a rest hold….Did I mention that John Cena wrestles in jean shorts? And no, not the cool cut-off kind. 

Sheamus throws Cena “head” (read: hands) first into the steel steps. One of the fun facts of pro wrestling, everything that isn’t in the ring is made up of pure steel. Just ask Michael Cole. 

NXT Seven invades again! 

Sheamus flees the scene, so it’s all brought down on Cena once again. Vince McMahon takes the microphone and calls the NXT guys into the ring. 

Yes, Vince has been “partially” behind the whole NXT thing. But of course it’s not that simple because this is pro wrasslin’. 

The NXT Seven surrounds McMahon and begin beating him senseless. We get the same drill that they did on Cena two weeks back. Clotheslines and finishers. 

Vince is left motionless in the middle of the ring as the gang walks away and the show goes off air. Wrestling revolves around the audience and this crowd has no idea how to respond. 

The NXT 7 + the recently fired Daniel Bryan.

The message is pretty clear. The NXT Seven isn’t following traditional face/heel lines. They protect each other and everyone else is fair game. 

Happy Monday night. 

-Bryan

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “WWE RAW: Semi-Live Coverage From the Trailer Park

  1. Kyle

    I remember when the WWF was hot shit. I honestly loved it for a span of about 2 straight years. Then The Rock left, and it was all downhill after that. Reading this recap makes me just feel bad at how it’s turned out.

    • bholt11

      I was way into it at about the same time for about the same amount of time. Stopped watching it until about a year and a half ago at Wrestlemania time and for whatever reason have become hooked again.

      No, it’s nothing like it once was, but every now and then there is something that comes along and is pretty entertaining. It of course comes with plenty of ridicule. The Rock, Stone Cold era will never happen again because the only reason it was so good was because of the competition between WWF and WCW at the time.

      I’ll stop now.

  2. I have been outed. Enjoy, America.

    Also, if this Morrison dude was actually a drug-addled 60’s rocker, that’d be enough to get me back in. Great idea. They could call him (unoriginally), “The Lizard King.”

    As with Alexi Lalas and WC soccer, I enjoy the Holt commentary more than the actual event, but the NXT storyline sounds kind of cool. Seems like it has an NWO vibe to it, sans the graffitied belt and awesome bandanas. Any chance that Undertaker takes over ala Hollywood Hogan?

    • bholt11

      I am really enjoying this NXT storyline right now, but it’s nerve-racking watching something with such promise because the current WWE writers have a consistent tendency to turn great potential into awfulness.

      Not sure about ‘Taker as he is currently in a storyline Terri Schaivo-esque vegetative state, but there is plenty of speculation that some major name is behind it. Honestly, I kind of hope that there isn’t. Wade Barrett is playing a hell of a role as the “leader” of the group and he has a guaranteed title shot coming up, so your dreams of a grafitied title belt could be coming sooner than you might think.

      I’ll do my best to make WC soccer Hilson-worthy tomorrow morning. USA! USA! USA!

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