I’m in The 305, people. Come on down! But before you do, brush up on paradise with this crash course guide to El Ciudad de Awesome.
Bonus: make sure you bypass the right zone on your home security system. Because it really sucks when a cop shows up at 7:04 in the morning thinking that you broke into your parents’ house, especially when you went to sleep four hours before… That’s my bad, Pops.
50) These guys enjoyed their stay.
49) Every so often, a person living south of Red Road will tell you he or she has a home in Coral Gables. This is called “deception.”
48) It is not only appropriate to stare in public, but in fact a pastime for males between the ages of 13 and 87.
47) One of every four drivers has an actual license. Should you slow for a yellow light, expect a front bumper in your backseat.
46) Honking is a sign of affection. The finger is a sign you’re going the speed limit.
45) Joe Robbie Stadium, Pro Player Park, Pro Player Stadium, Dolphins Stadium, Land Shark Stadium, and Sun Life Stadium are all the same thing.
44) For 71 years, Little Havana housed a cathedral called The Orange Bowl. My great grandfather built part of it.
43) If a 60 year-old man with slicked back hair comes up and says he’s “drivin’ around with my windows down,” congratulations, you’ve just met Dolphins great Jim Mandich. Make sure he doesn’t hit on your mom.
42) Those glamour shots you see on TV aren’t glamour shots. In fact, there’s a good chance the city was having a bad day.
41) General sentiment favors “bottom heavy” over “top heavy,” though it’s common to see both on the same woman.
40) You don’t have to be multilingual, but good luck ordering dinner.
39) “Talking sports” is code for talking Dolphins or Dwyane Wade.
38) If you say to yourself, “that chick looks a third Korean, a third Haitian and half Italian,” there’s a 50-50 chance you hit it on the head.
37) Consecutive “L’s” make the “Y” sound.
36) Civic heroes include Livan Hernandez, Gloria Estefan, Dan Marino, and Elian.
Exactly 10 years and 1 day ago.
35) There’s no such thing as “indoor voice.”
34) Budweiser is still the King, but most prefer El Presidente.
33) Though it looks like free parking, that line of ’88 Monte Carlos is actually somebody’s front yard.
32) If you’re on the beach for longer than 30 minutes without recognizing a celebrity, you need to come out of your cave more often.
31) Should you see a buildup of CNN camera crews at Cafe Versailles accompanied by people dancing in the streets, pull over and join the celebration. Fidel just died.
30) You don’t have to say “Joe’s Stone Crabs.” Joe’s will suffice.
29) The city’s professional baseball team has won two of the last 13 World Series. They play in a football stadium in Broward.
28) To calculate Cuban Time, add 30 minutes to desired times between the hours of 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. Add a full hour otherwise.
27) You’ll dry off eventually, just not between May and August.
26) “Noche Buena” means “Christmas Eve” and, alternatively, “Night of Much Pork.”
25) Everything comes with a wedge of lime.
24) Jaywalking is thought of less as crime than an art form.
23) Rush hour. Daylight. Same thing.
22) The crowds aren’t late arriving per se, they just shoot for early second quarter.
21) Cocaine is actually legal and sells under the street name “cortadito.”
20) You’ll probably need a GPS to get around Coral Gables. The blocks are numbered in 12-point font and ranked by renown of Spanish conquistador.
19) It’s a ‘Cane thing. You wouldn’t understand.
18) Guayaberas make the kind of fashion statement that says, “I’m not trying very hard,” and “I have four more exactly like this in my closet.”
17) The Bagel Emporium is the best Jewish deli in town. Though usually out of bagels, it’s particularly well-stocked with a variety of hungover UM coeds, and an Alex Rodriguez once every four visits.
16) If you do run into Alex Rodriguez at the Bagel Emporium, you don’t have to check the license plate of the $800,000 Mercedes out front (Mom). You can just assume it’s his.
15) The crime isn’t nearly as bad as reputation suggests, but try not to wear jewelry in locales with a “historical” designation.
16) The Publix in South Miami stocks the finest selection of cantaloupes anywhere South of Lincoln Road. Hopefully your home doesn’t catch fire in the early afternoon, because the firefighters will be in Publix checking out the cantaloupes.
15) Cuban cigars are both a sign of good taste and technically against the law.
14) Should you schedule a tee time at a local golf course, bring a pair of tennis shoes and jean shorts so as not to stand out.
13) Your hips need to move unnaturally to appreciate the local music.
12) Plain Jane
11) Café con leche is in fact leche con café.
9) There’s an old saying that “Miami never gets above 90 degrees.” This saying hasn’t been true for 20 years.
8) The women wear form-fitting clothes regardless of whether they have the form.
7) Should you find yourself caught in Hialeah traffic at 5 PM… see you next Tuesday.
6) Typical weekend
5) Havana, Cuba and Orlando, FL are equidistant.
4) We have Diddy, Madonna, Shaq, J-Lo, D-Wade, Riles, A-Rod… Your celebrities probably need two names.
3) The University of Miami football team went nine years without actually losing a game in Miami, and is generally credited for ending big time college sports in Houston and Washington state. Six and half years after this was published, the program won its fifth national title in two decades.
2) Whatever “they” are, there’s a good chance they aren’t real.
1) People are generally happier.
Have a humid Tuesday.