It’s been a historic week. Time to cheapen it to the level of every other week.
It has been a magnificent week, Casualtists.
World Cup soccer has captivated the United States and left every strange soccer enthusiast that you once bashed saying “I told you so!” And the Tampa Bay Rays have devised an apparent solution to their current slump. No, it doesn’t come in the area of personnel or strategy. It is instead a revert back to 1980s baseball fashion.
More on both of these monumental moments later. Let’s do this,.
I will start off by saying that this will be my final post on Sports Casualties for the next nine days. On Saturday, I will be catching a low-budget flight to southeast Asia to take part in a very important mission trip. I hereby declare myself the Tim Tebow of SC.
In truth, I am headed to Port Canaveral, Fla., tomorrow where I will be boarding a cruise ship bound for the Caribbean. The week that follows will take me to locales such as Cozumel, Jamaica and Grand Cayman, and through an unhealthy amount of gourmet food and alcohol.
Aside from World Cup games, I plan on doing my best to completely disconnect myself from all Internet and the world during this week, so expect me to be the Forrest Gump of sports commentary upon returning.
Robbie Hilson will hold the site down as he does so well as I sleep on pool decks and drink a Dos Equis for each and every one of our loyal readers.
I haven’t studied the bracket yet, but I am genuinely hoping that there is no possibility of the USA playing Mexico on the day that I spend in the country of Mexico. I’ll go ahead and guess that it wouldn’t just be the water that is unsafe for Americans to drink on that day.
Speaking of soccer, why jump into anything else?
Landon Donovan’s amazing-but-not-really-so-amazing game-winning rebound goal still has the USA buzzing about its national team’s chances in the round of 16. Yes, the goal cemented many people’s future plans to name their son Landon and generally made him a rock star amongst the Yank populace.
But what his goal actually did is begin a period of historic adventure. For as big as Donovan’s goal seems right now, every moment in the upcoming game against Ghana will seem even larger. A couple of victories could truly make this a savory stretch that absolutely hypnotizes a nation.
The thrilling victory over Algeria and the possible deep run into the tournament has everyone in America feeling pretty damn jubilant. Everyone except Dave Zirin of “The Nation,” the bleeding-heart publication that overthinks everything as bleeding-hearts tend to do.
It reminded why these kinds of international competitions can leave me with such a sour taste. Why can’t we just recognize that Algeria played gallantly against a better US team, which won by the skin of its teeth? Why must an insanely miraculous athletic victory also be a reinforcer of cultural supremacy? It’s yet another reminder why it is so important for progressives to not just thrill to the joys of sport but be conversant in the politics of sport.
Um, because it’s a damn sport not a conference on sociology. I’ve always leaned toward the “I live here, so I cheer for the team” model in international play, and quite honestly, I don’t understand people who don’t. I’m sure to”The Nation,” this makes me some kind of uncultural, ignorant jackass, but I could honestly care less. I also cheer for any team with any kind of a tie to Tampa. It’s what I do.
Suck it, “The Nation.”
In possible chick flick news, Donovan’s game-winning goal appears to be just what was needed to regain the affection of ex-but-not-really-ex-because-they’re-not-officially-divorced wife Bianca Kajlich. Donovan reportedly had an emotional phone call with the actress after giving her a strange shout-out on ESPN after his goal.
Oh sure, play the “I just scored the winning goal and became an American hero” card. Like that’s going to work.
I’m going to guess that this was not how Bill Clinton and Carlos Bocanegra (posted at the top) spent their winning evening. Mr. Clinton, I don’t often agree with your politics or your taste for women, but damn, that’s an awesome picture.
On Monday, Rays’ owner Stu Sternberg announced that serious talks on a new baseball stadium need to begin immediately and noted that professional baseball cannot survive in downtown St. Petersburg. Translation: Move me to Tampa or get me the hell out of this place.
St. Pete Mayor Bill Foster basically responded by saying “tough s**t.” He said that the team and the city are bound at the hip until 2027 whether they like it or not, and St. Pete will not agree to any talks outside of Pinellas County. Sternberg says that he will sell the team if serious talks do not include Tampa and Hillsborough County. He also added that “the new owners would have no reason to keep the team here.”
Congratulations, St. Pete. Much like you are able to chase young kids off your front lawn with a cane in your whitey tighties, you are managing to chase off a professional baseball franchise. Seriously, St. Pete, I have a strong distaste for you and it is not improving.
In happier Rays news, the Rays won on Thursday, a rare feat during this recent miserable slump. The win can only be credited to one thing. That is the amazing striped stirrups that were ordered by the equipment manager and worn by no fewer than eight players and every coach on Thursday. Players sporting the great retro touch included Evan Longoria (who went 3 for 4), B.J. Upton (who hit a home run) and Willy Aybar (two RBIs).
When asked what training camp is like, this was the response of Tampa Bay Buccaneers head freaking coach Raheem Morris.
When asked for comment, owner Malcolm Glazer said “What the hell are you looking at? I’m saving money!”
The funny thing is that Morris used the exact same line that Lawrence Taylor uses when he first picks up a hooker.
Because we’re supposed to cover everything: John Isner and Nicolas Mahut played a really long tennis match.
AND NOW, I BRING TO YOU…AMERICA.
Bring on Ghana.