World Cup Exclusive: Interview with Mick Jagger

Cool, calm, and collected

Sir Mick Jagger was one of many British celebs on hand to witness Germany’s shocking 4-1 thrashing of the much scrutinized English soccer team. SC’s World Cup correspondent caught up with the Rolling Stone moments after the match.

Mick Jagger: Please allow me to introduce myself. I’m a man of wealth and taste. I’ve been around for a long, long ye (*cut off*)

SC: You need no introduction, sir. Do you have a few minutes to talk to Sports Casualties?

Mick: I’m in no hurry. I can take my time… (*sighing deeply*) Oh my.

SC: Well then tell me what you’re feeling after such a brutal loss to your German archrivals?

Mick: I want to shout, but I can hardly speak.

SC: I think much of England shares your frustration. It’s now been an astounding 44 years since (*interrupted*)

Mick: You’re a HEARTBREAKER with your “Forty-four!”

SC: It is hard to fathom. What were you doing the last time you took a loss this hard?

Mick: Making bets on Kentucky Derby day.

SC: This could be the last go round for many of the British stars, particularly Frank Lampard and John Terry who are 32 and 29, respectively. Your thoughts?

Mick: What a drag it is getting old.

SC: It looked like England had equalized at 2-2, but after the disallowed goal, they just couldn’t stop the bleeding. What was the mindset at that point?

Mick: Let it bleed.

GOOOOAAA… No.

SC: Describe those finals moments as the last seconds ticked off.

Mick: Well I felt so sad – so lonesome – that I could not help but cry.

SC: And in the press box rows?

Mick: Heard the wires a hummin’ all down the line. Hear women sighin’ all down the line.

SC: Must have been anguish. But anger, too. There are already reports of riots on the streets of London. I guess my question is… Why?

Mick: ‘Cuz summer’s here and the time is right for fighting in the streets, boy.

SC: I assume you found a safe place to wait out the chaos?

Mick: When the sh*t hits the fan, I’ll be sitting on the can.

SC: Very candid, sir… Just a day ago, the British tabloids speculated that this team could go all the way.

Mick: Who wants yesterday’s papers? Nobody in the world.

SC: Sir, you’re British royalty. Do you know how the queen’s taking this?

Mick: The queen is bravely shouting, “WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN’ ON?”

SC: And what do you make of that kind of behavior?

Mick: She’s educated. Doesn’t give a damn. She’s very complicated.

SC: Can you draw a connection between Wayne Rooney’s subpar play and the team’s overall performance?

Mick: Connection? I just can’t make no connection.

Street fighting man.

SC: Well alright then. But tell me… This loss is particularly painful given your repeated assertions that God would lead the English to victory. How did you get that notion?

Mick: I was driving home early Sunday morning… through Bakersfield… listening to gospel music on the college radio station. And the preacher said, “You know you ALWAYS have the Lord by your side.” And I was so pleased to be informed of this that I ran 20 red lights in his honor.

SC: And you took that to be a sign of victory. Now, take me back a couple weeks. U.S. against the heavily favored English. America unexpectedly managed two points. You said you thought you were dreaming?

Mick: Then I awoke! Was this some kind of joke?! Much to my surprise, I opened up my eyes…

SC: … And you realized that this team might not be as solid as you thought. I mean, really, is there anything worse than media hype?

Mick: When I’m watching my TV, and a man comes on and tells me how white my shirts could be.

SC: Well, yeah, that. So let’s talk about Beckham and his move to America. Words for him?

Mick: You don’t know what’s goin’ on. You’ve been away for far too long. You can’t come back and think you are still there.

SC: What about his wife, Victoria? Her celebrity’s managed to rub a lot of players the wrong way.

Mick: The way she powders her nose, her vanity shows and it shows. She’s the worst thing in this world.

SC: You heard it here first, Casualtists. Jagger: not a fan of the Beckhams… How are you enjoying yourself in Johannesburg?

Mick: I got no expectations to pass through here again.

SC: It must be difficult to keep a low profile.

Mick: I see people turn their heads and quickly look away. Like a newborn baby, it just happens every day.

SC: You spent some time with Bill Clinton this week. Television cameras caught the president looking quite sleepy while talking to an attractive young lady. Can you tell us, by chance, what she said to him?

Mick: She said “my breasts, they will always be open. You can rest your weary head right on me.”

Hillary HAS to know about this, right?

SC: Coach Fabio Capello’s been under more pressure than anybody these last few weeks. What would you say to him after such a dreadful loss?

Mick: You better stop and look around. Here it comes.

SC: What comes?

Mick: Here it comes…

SC: What comes, sir?

Mick: Here it comes…

SC: Sir?

Mick: Here it comes.

SC: Still don’t follow.

Mick: Here comes your 19th nervous breakdown!

SC: Hmm… I see where this is going… Any shoutouts you’d like to give our SC readers?

Mick: Candy and Cathy, hope you both are well. Please come see me in the Citadel.

SC: Thanks so much for your time, Mr. Jagger. Final thoughts?

Mick: You can’t always get what you want.

SC: Let me guess. But you get what you need?

Mick: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

– Robbie

(Note: click on “Mick” links for songs)

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