Best. Week. Ever… Ok, besides Joe Johnson.
“She certainly is quite stacked, I’ll give you that,” says Mother Afrobutterfly, as she mildly berates me for my history of Drury-heavy posting. Yes, Casualtists, I’m still back home and now – despite my best efforts – my parents are back as well. Benefits to this include: working Internet courtesy of Mr. Fix It (aka qbytheU aka my father), homemade meals (although tonight’s teriyaki salmon was “something you’d get at a Picadilly”), a replenished fridge full of Budweiser and, of course, a bountiful well of source material.
Joking aside, my parents are pretty awesome, event though my mom’s incessant whistling of “A Whiter Shade of Pale” as I attempt to pound out a Week In Review does its best to convince me otherwise. And since I only see them some 20 or so days out of the year, I’m going to try to be on my best behavior. They’re pretty good to me.
So you’ve probably heard a lot about Miami in the last few days, what with its primetime billing on E! reality specials, proliferation of beautiful women cluttering your TV screen and – OH YEAH – the probably-false-but-we’re-going-to-run-it-anyway-because-journalism-in-the-21st-century-is-a-total-joke Stephen A. Smith report that LeBron James to South Beach is “highly likely.” Needless to say that if LeBron really does sign with Riles, D-Wade and Chris Bosh, I’m taking 75 percent of the credit – and only because I’m ceding the other 25 percent to my father, who’s now tagging all emails with “KJ2MIA” (Read: King James… you get the rest).
I’m sticking to my guns on this one – James to the Windy City in a sign-‘n-trade for Luol Deng and a Gibson’s steak – but it would make intuitive sense, at least, that the Hilsons return to The 305 spells six years of good fortune. I need not remind you that the Florida Gators ripped off four national championships in my first four years in Gainesville. Or that said team won a combined ONE title in basketball/football in the preceding history of time before my arrival.
(Side note: just scored football season tickets through the student lottery, so if you’re some bleeding heart Gator looking to blow his life savings on UF/Alabama, I’m more than happy to rip you off… hit me up. I’ll be watching replays of the 2002 Rose Bowl)
Let’s talk some more about Miami, and specifically about how a friend of a friend of a friend who dates Pat Riley’s daughter has confirmed to Sports Casualties that Riles was actively recruiting King James before July 1. Yes, this against league rules. And if David Stern is a Casualtist, you, Heat owner Micky Arison, are screwed.
So what did I do this week? Thanks for asking…
Monday: Spent quality time with two buddies at a dive in the Grove that apparently collects fine Cuban women. You wouldn’t think that a Monday night in Anywhere would be unquantifiably better than the best night in Gainesville. You would think wrong. The Gator football player I ran into can back me up on this one. He did the Chomp unprovoked and gave me a black-man handshake. Must’ve known I go by Afrobutterfly. Sweet.
Tuesday: Thought about Monday, and didn’t watch soccer.
Wednesday: Pregamed for LeBron-A-Palooza via poolside free-agency blogging. Also had lunch with the prettiest girl in Miami.
Thursday: More poolside blogging made palatable by the fact that A) I was poolside and B) I was blogging, as opposed to something that could be construed as productive.
As you can see, much like Vlad Guerrero against his old team Wednesday, I too went four for four with two homers. More bloviating to come, but first let me take this opportunity to tell all of Canada to shove it.
Way back at the trade deadline, I wrote the following about the Toronto Raptors’ decision to keep star forward Chris Bosh…
For his part, Colangelo thinks the Raptors have more than the shot I give them to resign Bosh. I give them a shot in hell. The Raptors will essentially let walk one of the premier all-around forwards in basketball – this after they spent about $50 million on Hedu Turkoglu. The lesson here as always: Canada sucks.
Well this did not sit to well with Milton Sports Guy, Dan, Ian, J.W., or Doug when they read it here. Each called me vicious names, while maintaing with Purple and Rose-colored glasses that Bosh would resign with Toronto.
In the most gracious way possible, then, I’d like to remind the good people of Ontario that I was right and you were delusional. Your boy will leave. Enjoy another six years of irrelevancy and bitterly cold winters.
Now to other news and notes…
On Saturday during Yankees-Dodgers, Fox’s Joe Buck and Tim McCarver debated whether or not NL managers should make Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg an all-star after only five starts.
Managers? Apparently Buck and McCarver have never heard of “divine right.”
Also on Saturday, the Braves squeaked out a 4-3 victory over the Tigers when, with the bases loaded, plate umpire Gary Cederstrom called a third strike to end the game on a pitch a foot outside. Asked to explain himself afterward, Cederstrom said, “Come on. Did you watch the ’97 NLCS? The Braves had this one coming.”
Somewhere, the Crime Dog sleeps easier.
On Friday, Diamondbacks pitcher Edwin Jackson threw a no-hitter against the Rays. I wasn’t able to see it, but I’m sure there’ll be one next week.
The Boston Celtics’ disgruntled vet Rasheed Wallace, who still has 2 years and $14 million left on his deal, announced his retirement over the weekend. Some analysts called the move “unexpected,” others compared it to manna from heaven.
Braves pitcher Kenshin Kawakami improved to 1-9 after giving up 2 hits over 7 innings on what has since been dubbed “The Day The Earth Stood Still.”
The Department of Defense this week deployed two massive blimps to the site of the BP oil spill. The plan, apparently, is to distract Gulf Coast residents with, uh, two massive blimps.
On Wednesday, ESPN aired “The NBA Free Agent Roundtable,” a sit-down pairing “PTI’s” Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser with the Miami Herald’s Dan Le Batard and Sports Guy Bill Simmons… or as the latter are known to top Bristol brass, “The Replacements.”
Now it’s time for ‘CaneSpotting, where I keep tabs on your favorite Miami Hurricanes via brief, awkward encounters…
UM star receiver Travis Benjamin looks like he just got off the “Survivor” island, but he’s made up for lack of muscle by adding 20 pounds of offseason dreads.
Hopefully, T-Ben is getting advice from Olympic sprinter Lauryn Williams, who’s sporting thighs the size of my waste and looks to be in fine form for London 2012. (extent of encounter: I nod, she nods, she laughs at my whiteness.)
For now, though, Benjamin is a mere semester away from completing his long-in-the-making total-body transformation to Ziggy Marley.
I also bumped into coach Frank Haith and the UM basketball team at sushi joint Raw in South Miami. I didn’t say anything to them, as they were too busy thinking of ways to underachieve.