The Decision (LeBron + Week In Review)

This one’s for you, Cleveland.

At roughly 7:20 p.m. on Thursday night, the Cleveland Plain Dealer’s Brian Windhorst compared LeBron’s departure to “a nuclear bomb falling on the city.” I’ll try to be slightly less dramatic.

LeBron James is the spiritual offspring of Art Modell, a backstabbing egomaniac, and very probably the worst person in the wor

Okay, let’s try that again.

I will never watch another basketball game involving “The Cleveland Killer” Leb

This isn’t gonna work. How about a live account of ESPN’s “The Decision”?

8:42 “HIV Antibody” tops Yahoo! trends. Serious question… Would Cleveland pass up the cure for AIDS to resign LeBron?

8:47 Tim Legler’s obviously spent the bulk of free agency signing period on South Beach. Impeccable tan, Tim.

8:49 My mother just sat down on the couch next to me. “Isn’t this exciting?” she asks, sipping a fine merlot. My dad cranks the volume on the TV as he gloats about his May “KJ2MIA” prediction. I’m pinching myself to make sure I’m not dead and in some kind of basketball hell.

8:54 ESPN anchor Ryan Burr: “The biggest winner tonight is the Boys and Girls Club.” Wrong, Ryan.

8:55 Chris Broussard continues to cover his ass, suggesting Chicago’s still a player. The “fluid situation” counter hits 2,203,384.

8:58 I despise you, LeBron. But nice freakin’ beard.

9:00 Predictions: QbytheU – Cleveland (“I’m gonna be pissed if they worked us up for nothing.”); Afrobutterfly – Miami; Motherfly – Miami

(note: I promise, this family vacation is almost over)

9:03 I’ll tell you what, if LeBron does stay in Cleveland, a lot of people leave this mess with serious egg-on-face (ahem, Stephen A. Smith, Chris Broussard and everybody else affiliated with ESPN sans SC favorite William J. Simmons.)

9:05 White man Jon Barry refers to Mike Wilbon as “Wilby” for a second consecutive time.

9:07 First close-up of LeBron. Odds: 80% Announces Miami, 10% Announces Cleveland, 10% Throws up before either

9:12 So I’m guess he’s not announcing “within the first 10 minutes.”

9:16 Evidence that newspapers suck…

“Top Story” at Cleveland Plain Dealer

9:19 “Oh my gosh, the guy with pictures on farm animals,” says Jim Gray-hater QbytheU.

9:20 ESPN scroll: “BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James clears throat, contemplates after-party.”

9:23 LeBron doin’ big things for underprivileged youth, plaid.

9:24 “It’s been a real humbling experience,” says The King.

9:25 He maintains he made up his mind this morning. I believe him. A faint glimmer of hope wells up inside me. I’m picking Cleveland.

9:28 And LeBron James chooses… *drumroll*

*more drumroll*

… the veal scaloppini!

Just kidding. He’s going to Miami.

(view from Cleveland)

9:37 Text from Bryan Holt: “KJ2MIA… I hate basketball even more.” Agree.

9:38 Text from Taylor P.: “Perez was right! Party in s beach!”

9:39 Text from Heat fan Jason P.: “If there was ever a time to say I was wrong and be completely happy about it, this was it.”

9:40 Call from diehard Heat fan Philip Kates. Rejected.

9:43 LeBron gives mad props to Heat owner “Micky Erickson.”

Gratuitous Durantula

9:50 Durant: classy, quiet, great jump shot. In other words, the Anti-LeBron.

9:51 “LeBron James wanted to do what would make LeBron James happy,” says LeBron James.

9:52 LeBron shown footage of Clevelanders burning his jersey in effigy. SC is all over it…

9:57 Text from WTSP’s Bryan: “On the bright side, some Cleveland station is streaming us awesome live video of the streets of Cleveland reaching Armageddon right now in the newsroom.”

9:58 Other bright side – Sports Casualties having its biggest hits day in two months.

Other things happened this week. They are listed below in no particular order. I’m ending this godforsaken post as soon as I hit 1,000 words. I feel for you Cleveland.

Cleveland’s other encounter with Miami


The Clippers’ Donald Sterling was the only owner not in attendance to hear his team’s pitch to then-free agent (now backstabber) LeBron James. It is unclear whether Blake Griffin actually locked Sterling in an electrical closet or if Baron Davis was just joking.

On Sunday, Toronto’s John Buck (.269, 13 HR, 40 RBI) and Atlanta’s Omar Infante (.307, 179 AB) were named to the AL and NL All-Star teams, respectively. On Monday, consumer groups sued Major League Baseball for false advertising, suggesting it change the name of its midsummer showcase to “All-Star (Except Matt Capps, Yovani Gallardo, Omar Infante, Michael Bourn, Marlon Byrd, Fausto Carmona, Matt Thorton, John Buck, and Ty Wigginton) Game.”

Said a furious Bud Selig, “BUT THAT WOULDN’T FIT ON A MARQUEE!”

But seriously, even Omar Infante’s mom thought Joey Votto got screwed.

The Arizona Diamondbacks fired manager AJ Hinch and GM Josh Byrnes last week. Though the club named Kirk Gibson interim manager, it will most likely stick to tradition by handing the two dirtiest jobs in Arizona to Pedro and Juan.

Former Raider Jamarcus Russell was arrested for possession of narcotics in Alabama on Monday. Police suspected drug use when watching film of Oakland’s two-minute offense.

Silver and Black

ESPN reported Monday that the Hawks, Mavericks and Celtics have expressed interest in free agent Shaquille O’Neal. This is a potentially historic deal: no team has ever spent the full midlevel exception on a flotation device.

In non-sequitur news, would you better notice Alexi Lalas’ combover if he didn’t have a red scalp?

Smoke and mirrors?

On Tuesday, USC released top recruit Seantrel Henderson from his scholarship amid NCAA sanctions. On Wednesday, Henderson bought a six-pack of Chek Cola, bought a PC over a Mac, and strapped on his brand new Casio watch. Should patterns hold, the five-star offensive lineman will choose the University of Miami over Ohio State.

Turning now to golf, Paul Goydos on Thursday chose the worst possible day in sports history to shoot 59 in the first round of the John Deere Classic.

Also on Thursday, one-time phenom Michelle Wie picked the best possible day to shoot 82 in the first round of the women’s U.S. Open.

CNBC’s Mandy Drury reported on Thursday’s “Street Signs” that tightened credit card regulations on youth under 21 could lead to a similar crackdown on underage IDs. That faint noise you hear? Westminster Christian School having a collective panic attack.

Police determined Wednesday that Michael Vick dogfighting buddy Quanis Phillips fired a gun at Vick’s 30th birthday bash in Virginia Beach right after the Eagles’ quarterback left the building.

How ’bout that?



Here’s your buzzerbeater/salt in wound/insult to injury.

– Robbie


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7 responses to “The Decision (LeBron + Week In Review)

  1. Jonathan

    Bittersweet developments, much like the 1997 WS. Born in Cleveland, live in Miami. I certainly prefer things like Miami beating NY…

    • I’m crushed, but who are we kidding? We’ll probably both be diehard Heat fans by the end of the weekend. This is unbelievable. And you’re in the epicenter of it all.

  2. qbytheU

    Turning now to golf, Paul Goydos on Thursday chose the worst possible day in sports history to shoot 59 in the first round of the John Deere Classic.


  3. Pingback: Witness: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World « Sports Casualties

  4. CyclopticTheorist

    Great play by play! The QbytheU description approximated the time he yelled as the Beattles walked on stage for LiveAid…..NOT. Could have made it up by sticking to the prediction!

    Riley is truly a mastermind! And while I find the uber-rich melodrama a bit over the top, I will enjoy the Heat once more.

    • Thanks a lot. QbytheU was waffling till the very end, per usual. I can’t stand Riley – I think he’s a slimeball – but you’re apt in your description. Genius, and an incredible salesman apparently.

  5. Pingback: Witness: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World « Sports Casualties

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