On Friday, Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert wrote this about former employee LeBron James. On Tuesday, he came to his senses and crafted the following.
All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;
I’d first like to make it abundantly clear that losing a quarter of a BILLION dollars overnight makes you a cranky, cranky man. Ever gone through a nasty split up with the love of your life? Internalize that feeling for me. Now imagine she was worth a quarter of a BILLION dollars.
As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.
This pains me because 1) I thought he’d spend his entire career wasting away on an otherwise mediocre team and 2) because he was worth a quarter of a BILLION dollars.
Like you, I’ve only had a handful of hours to digest this soul-crushing news. I’m in a world of hurt and confusion. Like you, I feel betrayed – like I’ve just been dumped by my long-time Shuga Momma (who was worth a quarter of a BILLION dollars). I’ve yet to gather my thoughts, and in the immediate Le-fallout, I’ve shouted things that would make a Tourrettes-stricken George Carlin blush.
So naturally, I’ve published all my innermost thoughts on the internet… not to “light my credibility on fire” or to “be a sore loser” or to “overuse quotations marks in the interest of abrasive snark,” but to tell you what a “D-BAG” LeBron James is.
His announcement was made with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional (insert other vitriolic descriptors) build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.
This was way more narcissistic than when Tiger Woods starred in his creepy Nike ad and then staged a “press conference” in front of a hand-picked group of “friends.” And I remember that, Cleveland fans, because it happened like five months ago.
This was even more narcissistic than the time Alex Rodriguez looked Katie Couric straight in the eye on network television and swore he’d never taken steroids. And then after he had admitted to taking steroids, kissing himself in the mirror for Details Magazine.
I think LeBron James is a big fat narcissist – like Brett Favre mixed with Kanye mixed with OJ mixed with Hitler.
Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.
The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.
Excuse my triple negative. What I’m trying to say is that I won’t betray you. NEVER.
(note to self: don’t sell team until last remaining Cavs fan dies)
Cash strapped? Can’t make payments on that 6-bedroom home you overpaid for? Visit Quickenloans.com today to sign up for our limited-time 30-year fixed-rate mortgage, starting at just 3.99% (4.187% APR)!!!
There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future.
Think “super exciting.”
Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you. Daniel Gibson has already communicated that to you.
I hesitate, though, to share his remarks as they might draw attention to the fact that we’re building our future in part around a guy named “Boobie.”
You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. I’m talking about LeBron leaving, not the class action lawsuit filed against my company for withholding overtime pay.
In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:
“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”
(SUCK ON THAT, JOE WILLIE NAMATH!)
You can take it to the bank.
Bear Stearns, to be exact.
If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware (2x4s, hammers, nails – we’re shuttering up The Q) to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.
For instance, I am now selling LeBron Fatheads for $17.41 to commemorate the birth year of Benedict Arnold. I’ve just lost a quarter of a BILLION dollars – will an 80% hit on remaining LeBron inventory really make a difference?
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.
(Here’s a list of other metaphors I thought about using:
1) Some people think they should get free text messaging without “upgrading to the unlimited texts” package.
2) Some people think the elevator to the top of the mountain only has an up button.
3) Some people think they can make a hit television sitcom with Tina Fey without running their lines during breakfast rehearsals.
4) Some people think that you can compare Mo Williams to Scottie Pippen and he will magically become Scottie Pippen.
5) Some people think they can have their cake, when really they can’t.)
Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.
It’s better to get lucky on lottery night and snag the No. 1 pick in the best draft in 20 years.
This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become.
Namely, children “who” don’t randomly hyphenate words, mix metaphors and “overuse” punctuation.
But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.
The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma… So yes, I’m acknowledging that there was a curse on Cleveland, but not anymore. Now it’s in Miami.
By does “right,” I mean… I want him to come back? I want him to apologize? I want him to offer himself as a human sacrifice? This is unclear to me as well, even though I wrote it. I will be communicating to you what I mean in the near future.
Just watch. Jessie Jackson will compare me to a slave owner.
What an OVERREACTION.
Sleep well, Cleveland.
Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day (low 68, 70% chance of rain, tornado warnings).
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital (what’s left of it), knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue…. because you are such classy fans.
Majority Owner, For Now