So Paid: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

And let heads explode in 3…2…1.

I can only promise you one thing. This Week in Review will be better than last week’s effort.

Mother Nature has decided to have an apparent bonfire in Tampa this week as the temperatures continue to reach record highs. The thermometer has read like defensive tackle numbers: 96, 97, 94.

I can hear Buccaneer players quivering at the idea of training camp starting in one week from my living room. But that could also be the sound of me quivering at the thought of watching them take the field.

Regardless, it’s Friday. Let’s do this.

I’m actually going to start this post out on something of a serious note. Ridiculous idea, I know.

Last Thursday, a man by the name of Warren Cason passed away at the age of 85. Simply put, Mr. Cason (as I always referred to him) was the man. He grew up in the strawberry fields of Plant City, Fla., and carried the humble demeanor that those fields produce with him throughout his entire life.

He would go on to become a lawyer and create a very good life for himself and his family. But more than anything, he dedicated his life and his general well-being to the University of Florida.

I came to know Mr. Cason in his later years when he became a customer of my dad’s air conditioning company. It’s cliché to say, but I’m pretty sure he bled orange and blue. He was one of the most highly noted “Bull Gator” athletic boosters and also a regular donor to the university’s academic programs. He spoke of names that are immortalized on campus – Ben Hill Griffin, Stephen O’Connell, etc. – in a matter-of-fact manner. One of his four children wanted his granddaughter to go to Harvard instead of UF. He kind of groaned at the idea.

Seats on the 50-yard-line and fourth quarter passes to his sick skybox were a perk, but listening to him talk about Gator football made him sound like a kid.

My senior year of high school, he offered to take my paper work and turn it in himself to the UF officials to assure me a spot at the only school that I had ever wanted to attend. My mom said no, something about a “D” in physics and “fairness.” A couple of years later, I got into Florida anyways via community college.

So long, Mr. Cason. You’ll be sorely missed both in Tampa and on the 2,000 acres of land that the University of Florida calls home.

To read a great write-up about Cason from legendary Tampa sportswriter Tom McEwen, click here.

Now onto my attempts at humor.

Cristiano Ronaldo is reportedly getting married to awesome Russian model Irina Shayk. I mean this sounds like a perfect pairing. He’s a 20-something-year-old athlete who is in his prime and at the absolute peak of his sport. She is a gorgeous model taken by his pure greatness. Wait a second… Wait a second… RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, IRINA! THIS IS GOING TO END TERRIBLY!

"I'm warning you."

Two anchors at New York City’s local Fox station made people hate them even further this week when someone decided that it would be a great idea to have them interview veteran international soccer superstar Thierry Henry without any form of noticeable preparation or research. The interview was set to preview Henry’s big debut with the New York Red Bulls of the MLS. If you enjoy awkward moments and the downfall of major market media, you can watch it here.

Among the questions asked:

  • So you just won the World Cup, right? (Uh, no he’s French.)
  • We like blowouts in America. What was the biggest lopsided victory you ever had? 3-0? (Ugh.)
  • Did you like those horns? Were they distracting? (Really? You can’t at least Wiki “vuvuzelas” before you go on air.)

Did I mention that this is in NEW YORK FREAKING CITY and not some low rent station in southeast Nebraska?

The other Celtics.

In other soccer news, the sport attempted to destroy the fabric of America by holding two of the biggest sporting events that the country had to offer on the same Wednesday night. Celtic Football Club took on Sporting Clube de Portugal at the little green dump known as Fenway Park while Manchester United was busy playing the Philadelphia Union at Lincoln Financial Field.

Manchester United impressed well, um, no one by defeating an expansion MLS team just 1-0. I’m assuming Celtic just got really drunk and voted illegally because I love stereotypes.

In his best efforts to not become the illegitimate child-breeding Karl Malone of the 21st century, Carl Crawford took one for the team (well, not really) and returned to first base leading with his left foot instead of his right during a pickoff attempt by Orioles pitching. Insert a one-liner of your own after clicking here.

Whammy

Tiger Woods is apparently still America’s favorite athlete according to some mysterious poll. This should come as no surprise to anyone. We also love James Bond, John Shaft and Vinny Chase.

Lou Piniella has announced that he will retire at the conclusion of this season. If his final game does not involve him beating umpire Joe West over the head with third base, then I will be sorely disappointed.

Louis Oosthuizen won the 2010 Open Championship on Sunday. No, I don’t have an opinion about it either.

The annual media days of the Southeastern Conference are taking place this week which means two things. A – I am furious that SC was not invited to partake in this year’s festivities; and B – It is suddenly nullifying and trendy to refer to sports agents as “pimps.”

Holt and Hilson: Not in this picture.

You see, this year’s rendition of SEC media days just happened to come at the epicenter of everyone flipping out about players, agents and money. Robbie has already discussed this controversy in a somewhat lengthy manner, so I’ll keep my analysis very short and concise.

Maurkice Pouncey didn’t do a damn thing wrong. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Get that cash.

M.O.B… Go Gators.

New fight song?

Get rowdy this weekend. Do it for A.J. Green.

-Bryan

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