Tag Archives: Nick Satan

“Pimps” and Other Agents of Saban: An SEC-Bashing Week in Review

Victim Nick Saban

This one goes out to all you $5 mill-a-year coaches out there.

The No. 1 question that’s been on all our minds’ this week:

Is Alabama coach Nick Saban the antichrist, or just plain ‘ol satan?

In case you missed it, Saban turned SEC Media Day into a public forum for pimp flogging. But first, he called out agents for preying on naive 21-year-olds – tempting the innocent with “mad bank”/”ice”/”bling”/”rimz for Caddies” and, as a result, compromising their amateur statuses (a phenomenon with which his star player may or may not be familiar).

Presumably these youngsters have yet to learn the difference between right and wrong, making themselves prime recipients of – hypothetically speaking – a $100k under-the-table cash advance from a Jerry Maguire wannabe trying to do his employer proud.

"SHOW ME THE MONEY!"

“The agents that do this – and I hate to say this, but how are they any better than a pimp?” Satan said.

Saban said. Freudian slip.

In all seriousness, Nick – what the hell did pimps ever do to you?

Do tell.

Saban wasn’t the only exorbitantly-paid, super-conference ball coach calling out others for their “greed.” In fact, the Old Ball Coach and his long-term replacement Urban Meyer got in on the agent/pimp bashing as well.

Gamecocks quote machine Steve Spurrier of “Can’t spell ‘Citrus’ without UT” fame defended one of his players who allegedly attended a massive summer blowout on South Beach. I can neither confirm nor deny such an agent-funded party, but I can tell you that, since it’s going to rain tonight, I have to cancel my plans at The W with AJ Green.

Sorry, J. Hit me up tomorrow. Go Dawgs.

Spurrier said, rather benignly, that it’s hard to tell who’s an agent and who’s a runner these day. Yawn.

He added, “I think [arrests] are more common now because players are getting arrested for everything that in the old days they did not get arrested for. I can sort of remember back in our day, if you were out and something happened, they would say, ‘Can you get home? We’ll drive you home,’ to some of my teammates. They did not go into the tank that night.”

Ah yes, the tank.

Spurrier with non-criminal Tebow

Speaking of which, I’ve always been in the tank for former ‘Canes redeemer Butch Davis – the only head of a crappy, non-SEC team that made news this week. The North Carolina coach also has a pair of players allegedly involved with an agent, violations that resulted in an NCAA probe that he calls from “out of left field.”

After implicating UNC baseball’s left fielder, Davis went on to explain how rule changes that allow player/agent contact 18 months prior to pro eligibility have shaken the college football landscape.

Carolina is facing possible future sanctions.

On the bright side, Butch recruits like a maniac when he’s short on scholarships. I would know. Hope your track players can catch a football, Heels.

UM track scholar Santana Moss

And as mentioned, Florida’s own Urban Menace Meyer got in on the naughty-agent talk in a valiant, but unsuccessful attempt to deflect attention from the fact that he’s now dealing with a twenty-eighth rap sheet and a probable Sugar Bowl forfeiture.

Bottom line: NFL agents are taking college football down. These men are sharks, circling the young blood of the naive like…

… (*racking brain for appropriate analogy*) …

Well, think of them like big-time college football programs trying to recruit promising 16-year-old high school quarterbacks so they can feed their multi-million dollar amateur sports cash cow.

And with this I give you… The Week in Review. Enjoy.

_________

Saw “Inception,” Stephen Strasburg and Billy Corgan this week. Or as it’s known in the culinary world: Brilliance 3-Ways.

On Monday, former president Bill Clinton unveiled his “bucket list,” prompting the question: “There are things Bill Clinton hasn’t done?”

As you can imagine, Hillary was pissed.

Peace and love, dudes. Emphasis on "love."

Tour de France cyclist Andy Schleck vowed to take out race leader Alberto Contador after the latter took advantage of Schleck’s popped bike chain to capture the race lead.

The angered Luxembourg rider, who felt Contador should have stopped, vowed revenge, saying, “My stomach is full of anger.”

Actually, Andy, that probably has something to do with all the foie gras you ate RIGHT BEFORE STAGE 15.

On Tuesday, pitcher Jennie Finch announced her plans to retire next month, news that came as a huge surprise to casual sports fans.

You mean professional softball still exists?

Gratuitous Finch

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman blocked Ilya Kovalchuk’s record-breaking 17-year, $102 million deal with the New Jersey Devils this week. The league is citing salary cap violations in an attempt to conceal the fact that cyborgs will have long replaced left wingers by 2027.

In baseball news, Cubs manager “Sweet” Lou Piniella announced Tuesday that he will retire at season’s end to pursue a career in couples counseling.

Lou w/ bro Jim Joyce

CBS hinted Wednesday that former ‘Canes and Cowboys head coach Jimmy Johnson, 67, will participate in the network’s reality show “Survivor: Nicaragua.” We knew that Coach wanted to shed a few pounds, but isn’t this a little drastic?

It’s still unclear whether Johnson will be allowed to bring ExtenZe to the island, as natural male performance enhancement would presumably give him a competitive advantage.

Also on Wednesday, ESPN’s SportsNation reported a poll in which Kobe Bryant and Tiger Woods tied for America’s most popular athlete. On Thursday, a Mayan spokesperson reasserted “2012.”

On Thursday, disgruntled Hornets star Chris Paul informed his team he’d like to be traded to a contender. The only question now is: will he accept the veteran minimum?

Speaking of end of the world...

The McCourt divorce proceedings continued to worsen this week as Dodgers’ co-owners Frank and Jamie bitterly fought over who will get Manny’s bandana and who will take his lazy will.

And finally, Tiger Woods’ camp announced Wednesday that the star golfer lost a staggering $22 million in endorsements in light of his personal indiscretions.

Or, in glass-half-full terms, Woods – who hasn’t won a major in more than two years – kept about $90 million in endorsements in light of his personal indiscretions.

Keep up the great work, Beadle.

– Robbie

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