This is part one in a two-part installment. You know how “Baseball Tonight” is still “Baseball Tonight” in the middle of the afternoon? Yeah, the “redux” stays. Bryan will get here when he gets here. He’s either shopping for slacks or drinking Jack at a country music festival. I’m leaning toward the latter.
There are some things in life that you just can’t prepare for. Case in point, at the time of writing, I’m in a total frazzle as I wait the next 10 or so hours to see how the entire future of professional basketball plays out. Will LeBron win? Will he lose? Will he stay? Will he go? Is he the next Jordan? Is he the next Malone? Is he as good as I think he is? Does he have the fire? Does he even care?
These are the questions chiseling away at America’s collective sports conscience at 1 p.m. on Thursday afternoon, and I for one have no answers. So instead of chewing off the rest of my already blunt fingertips, I’m going to give LeBron-o’-Mania a rest for a bit and turn to a topic that has become very near and dear to my heart: smokin’ babes… You’ll appreciate both this metaphor and the segueway.
You know how the truly great ones are able to lift the game of their teammates? They have this synergistic quality that makes everyone around them better? Well CNBC’s Wonder from Down Under Mandy Drury has singlehandedly transformed Trish Regan from a borderline all-star into a shoe-in, first ballot Hall of Famer. Before Monday, the day of Drury’s permanent arrival on U.S. shores, we were essentially watching Pippen’s career unfold sans-Jordan. No longer, friends. You are witnessing before your very eyes the rise of a transcendent dynasty, and personal inspiration Larry Kudlow is it’s Jacksonian overseer.
Here’s your Thursday morning proof of greatness and the debut installment in the running series, Fab 5 Pics. As far as I know, this constitutes the first instance in SC’s illustrious history in which we have taken our own photos. So I would like to thank my father, without whose purchase of my flat-screen TV and HD package, none of this would be possible. Enjoy.
Bad day for the market, good day for Erin.
Trish Regan and Amanda Drury with the Luckiest Man in the World.
Come on. Really, Larry? Really?
Now to less important matters…
On Tuesday, phenom outfielder Jason Heyward returned to the Braves lineup after missing a week to a groin injury. The Destroyer proceeded to score six runs in his first two games back against Milwaukee. In a related story, the Braves swept the series and the recently maligned Bobby Cox remembered how to manage.
This week in Free Agent-palooza news, the Miami Heat unveiled a website that gives fans tips on how to sway Dwyane Wade to stay in Miami. I’m of the opinion that this should have gone up years ago, and included something along the lines of…
Go to games.
On Sunday, Tiger Woods withdrew from the Players Championship with a neck injury. Reports state that he hit his final drive a paltry 269 yards. While doctors expect his neck to be okay, they say that his psyche is on life support and are unsure if his pride will ever recover.
I was actually going to live blog last weekend’s “unofficial fifth major,” but being a straight male, I was far too distracted by busty brunettes to keep any focus.
Great rack, Phil.
Look, since Mick lets himself go after every Masters victory, is it too much to ask that the defending champion present him with a Green Jacket AND a sports bra?
In other news, I have absolutely zero idea who won the Players. Though I can tell you it wasn’t Tiger and it wasn’t Phil.
My Adamant Disinterest in the Likes of Lucas Glover and Robert Allenby: exhibit A for why golf is in deep sh*t.
Turning now to new media, the recent rash of superstar bumps and bruises has spurred many a reclusive body part to come out of the woodwork to speak his mind on Twitter. LeBronsElbow, for instance, registered two weeks ago and already has almost 11,000 followers. Though neither HeywardsGroin nor NashsEye has come forward yet, don’t be surprised if BrettFavresIndecisiveNature and GregOdensPenis make a cameo before the end of the summer.
In non sequitur news, are we 100 percent sure that Dana White isn’t the forbidden lovechild of Andre Agassi?
This week the Obama administration revealed in conjunction with the C.I.A. that the unsuccessful Times Square bomber has ties to the Pakistani Taliban. With the possibility of further racial profiling looming, I urge you, Casualtists, to treat your local Kwik-E-Mart clerk with the utmost respect.
A trailer for “Marmaduke” aired during Sunday’s new episode of “The Simpsons,” and let me tell you, nothing says blockbuster like George Lopez and talking Great Danes.
For fans of canceled late-night shows.
Also on Sunday, Oakland A’s pitcher Dallas Braden threw the 19th perfect game in history against the Rays, this just weeks after a heated verbal spat with Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez. SC’s immediate reaction via Twitter: “SUCK IT, A-ROD!!!!!”
Grandma Braden’s immediate reaction via ESPN, “STICK IT, A-ROD!!!!!”
Great minds, Grandma Braden. Great minds.
Amid rumors of his imminent demise, Tiger Woods’ swing coach Hank Haney resigned on Monday. The conversation went something like this:
Hank: “You can’t fire me. I quit!”
Tiger: “(*blank stare*)”
I, for one, haven’t seen a preemptive strike like this since President Bush invaded Baghdad.
Over the weekend, Mariners future Hall of Famer Ken Griffey Jr. allegedly slept through an 8th-inning pinch-hitting opportunity… further evidence that it is impossible to stay awake for a four-hour baseball game.
Atlanta Hawks players this week planned to moon fans while spraying them with vinegar-filled Super Soakers. Instead the Hawks just played home games against Orlando.
Good luck on landing that max contract, Joe Johnson.
The Penguins and Canadiens played a game 7 on Tuesday, but NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has asked SC not to comment further for fear that we might draw attention to his sport.
ESPN analysts/noted white people Rick Sutcliffe and Dave O’Brien interviewed rappers Eminem and Jay-Z during the 4th inning of Wednesday’s Yankees-Tigers game. ESPN’s resident hip-hop historian Bill Plaschke was not in attendance.
The state of New York this week floated the idea of default organ donorship for deceased citizens… So this means Tracy McGrady could be playing without a spleen next year?
And, yeah. I know LeBron lost. I’m crushed. Not as crushed as Cleveland. But crushed. Good luck Twenty Three.