Dead or just taking a nap?
This is the first part in a two-part installment and the only part coming today. So click twice to make up for the lost hits.
The more things change the more… blah, blah, blah. You know the rest. Look, I hesitate to use “blah, blah, blah” as an attention-grabber in a post you already stopped reading, but dammit, this is getting ridiculous. Here’s where we stand as of May 21, 2009. Tell me if any of this sounds familiar.
LeBron’s coming off of a second round playoff exit. The Celtics are suddenly the best team in the league. The Lakers are on a death march to the Finals. Kobe’s got a chip on his shoulder. I’m a year away from graduating. The Rays are great. The Braves aren’t. Brett Favre is retiring, maybe. The Spurs disfigured Steve Nash. “Iron Man” is a hit. “Sex And The City” won’t go away. The market is in the first throes of a freefall that everyone insists isn’t happening. “Credit crisis” owns the headlines. Microsoft is at 28 and change. Incumbents are s***ing themselves.
By all means, stop me if you’ve heard this before.
I’ve seen the future, Casualtists, and it looks a hell of a lot like the past – May ’08, actually. I know how this all plays out, and unless you’re Kevin Garnett, it totally sucks to be you. Just telling you right now: wait till GE hits $4 and then buy. And stay away from the banks and autos altogether.
"ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!"
Deep breath, and a quick note: if you’re reading this from a position of power, I will totally work for food and beer. Let’s do this.
On Monday, Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez jogged after a live ball that he accidentally kicked into deep right field. All runners scored on the play. Afterward, Ramirez blamed his bruised shin for not running hard, but I think he was probably just weighed down by that $70 million contract.
In Hanley’s honor, I’m phoning this paragraph in. Not sorry about it either.
During Friday’s cameo on “Friday Night Lights,” former Texas Tech coach Mike Leach accosted coach Taylor at a gas station with some awkward psychobabble about pirates and sword-swinging. I’m not really sure what the point of Leach’s inclusion was other than to garner some, “Hey, that’s Mike Leach…” reaction. I will say, though, that “FNL” writers have always been big fans of foreshadowing, so lookout for the “Taylor Locks Vince in an Electrical Closet” episode.
As previously reported by Sports Casualties, rumors circulated through Bristol Monday that LeBron James would only sign a deal as part of a package with Kentucky coach John Calipari.
Michael Jackson actually tried this when he signed with Epic… “Hey guys, you get me AND Tito!”
On Monday, the Euro hit a four-year low – the Euro being injured German soccer captain Michael Ballack, not the currency. In case you missed it, Ballack, a star in places that matter less than the U.S., will miss the World Cup because of a gimpy ankle. I predicted great things for Germans two weeks ago, so chalk it up to the SC Jinx. Sorry, Mike.
In further soccer news (seriously), star Frenchman Thierry Henry, 32, signed with the MLS’s Red Bulls on Monday.
Enjoy growing old in New York, Thierry. Worked out great for Willie Mays, Randy Johnson and Brett Favre.
Shea: where legends go to die.
As you may or may not know, Monday was Bryan Holt’s first day working at local St. Pete station WTSP. Though I have little insight into his day-to-day activities other than “I work with hot babes,” I can tell you for certain that he’s already better at TV than Joe Morgan.
Keep it up, Bryan. You do SC proud.
In the first game of this week’s Red Sox-Yankees series, New York rolled out a starting outfield of Randy Winn, Brett Gardner and Marcus Thames, or as it’s more commonly known, “the best platoon $196 million can buy.”
In non sequitur news, are we 100 percent sure that Bucs QB Josh Freeman isn’t the forbidden lovechild of “Coming to America’s” Darryl Jenks ?
Like son…
…like father?
Or, for that matter, that Texans linebacker Brian “Needle” Cushing isn’t the forbidden lovechild of Yankees slugger Mark Teixeira?
Like son…
…like father?
Turning to the collapsing financial sector, Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway Company dumped shares of Gannett Media on Monday to raise capital for the acquisition of Burlington Northern. Apparently Buffett sees more potential in railroads than in the newspaper industry.
In related news, My Future is having a panic attack.
On Sunday night, Rima Fakih became the first Arab-American to be crowned Miss America. Hours later, Rima Fakih became the first Arab-American Miss America to be outed for stripper photos.
Fakih is from Michigan, which means my friend PK, an Ann Arbor grad, was wrong: they aren’t all heavyset white people.
On a sad note, metal pioneer Ronnie James Dio passed away Sunday at the age of 67. His loss was mourned everywhere by people with bad tastes.
The National Football Post’s Mike Lombardi reported Monday that NFL teams are only interested in former Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell if he switches positions. Just for the record, I was kidding when I said JaMarcus has a bright future at left tackle.
But don’t tell Raheem Morris. This could be fun.
To reality TV, Chad Ochocinco was booted off of “Dancing With The Stars” this week, leaving Olympic skater Evan Lysacek, UF babe Erin Andrews, and singer Nicole Scherzinger as the three finalists. No further news. Just wanted to point out that I nailed the Final Four back in early March. Lysacek is my champion. Andrews second. Mark it down.
And last, but certainly not least, rumors spread this week that Cavs guard Delonte West is bagging Gloria James, and son LeBron found out as much just before game 4 of the Celtics series. This would both explain LeBron’s epic collapse in game 5 and Delonte’s dead legs.
Kevin "The Mediator" Garnett
Knowing West’s more carefree demeanor – he once misplaced a shotgun in his guitar case – the conversation probably went something like this:
‘Bron: “Did you do it?”
Delonte: “Hell no… Do what?”
‘Bron: “Are you having an affair with my mom?”
Delonte: “(*pensive silence*)”
‘Bron: Delonte!
Delonte: She told me it was a different James! My bad, King.
Still, if true, this shouldn’t surprise anyone. Delonte’s always been known for his ability to penetrate.
In conclusion, pay Andre Johnson.
– Robbie
Sports Casualties 