“Celebration Day” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux

 

OLE! OLE, OLE, OLE!

No blues. Just abstract truth. Let’s do this.

As you can tell by my random Friday outbursts, I’m usually a crank come end of the week. What with term papers, blogging duties, oil spills and hot ladies resisting my advances, Week In Reviews more often than not come off as mere forums to air my laundry list of grievances. And with good reason. For those of you who’ve never been to Gainesville, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: it’s really, really hot. Like oppressively hot. Picture yourself sitting on a black tarmac in the pit of Hell.

Now add homework… Gainesville.

But this week, I’m feeling light, bright and airy. So instead of bitching about little things bereft of any real tangible significance, I’m going to pull a 180 and tell you why the last eight or so days have been pretty damn awesome.

But first, a little Zeppelin.

1) Tiger Woods, sans bandwagon jumper Hank Haney, has decided that maybe playing from the short stuff at Pebble is the way to go. I wouldn’t believe it had I not witnessed it with my own eyes, but I swear he just hit a stinger 3-iron off three. Haven’t seen that since last decade. Advantage: guy who once won the Open at Pebble by 15.

2) Japanese sensation Ryo Ishikawa took it upon himself to play as an Easter egg on Thursday. 

Ryo Ishikawa as played by Peter Cottontail.

3) Sticking with Open Golf, Kenny Perry decided this week that he’d start dressing like a man. Seriously, this is more startling than The Fab Four’s transformation from “A Hard Day’s Night” to “Beatles for Sale.” Perry looks – dare I say it – sinister. Too bad he still sucks.

Before

After

4) Sticking with Open Golf some more, Pebble Beach is currently being graced by the presence of one Robb Hilson, who’s pre-gaming for Father’s Day by heckling Phil Mickelson in person. Just kidding. He’d never do that… Or would he? 

5) Sticking with Robb Hilson and Father’s Day, this is indeed the weekend that I repay my pops for a year’s worth of awesomeness by filling one of the gaps in his jazz vinyl collection. I have faith in you, Priority Mail. Please don’t bend the corners. This one is epic.

6) Bryan Holt Tuesday via Twitter: “On behalf of everyone watching Rays/Braves: How in the hell does Kawakami have a major league contract?” What Bryan doesn’t know is that interleague rules dictate that opposing teams must spot Atlanta a game any time Kenshin Kawakami (now 0-9) makes an appearance on full rest. So really, the Braves have already won the series on the strength of Axl Rose lookalike Tommy Hanson’s 7 inning, 3 hit performance Wednesday. I’d also like to point out that if you erased KK from the space-time continuum (something I’m sure Frank Wren has tried), the Braves would have the best record in baseball. 

(UPDATE: Braves took the series anyway. Suck it, Holt.)

7) My sister just graduated from high school, enrolled at a local college in San Francisco, and is currently pursuing her career as Undisputed Champion of the World. I can’t show a picture of her on account of our young male readers, but I can share some of her incendiary art work.

She doesn’t get it from my mom… or dad.

Feel free to wave to her if you’re ever in Orinda, CA. She’s the one in the black BMW driving unsuspecting bicyclists off the road.

8) I am 100 percent sure that Kobe will top the Celtics tonight, thereby singlehandedly nullifying 6 months worth of bad bets in a mere three-hour span. If, however, the Lakers don’t win game 7… um… look for me at a Mexican outhouse near you!

(UPDATE: VICTORY! Ron Artest scores 20 points and the greatest post-game interview of all-time… Kobe takes my words to heart… Phil Jackson coins the phrase “one for the toe”)

9) Mandy Drury’s proving to be a better closer than Michael Jordan. Outstanding Friday.

10) Leaving for The 305 tomorrow, which means next week’s posts should be filled with firsthand accounts of awkward run-ins with the world’s preeminent Latina talent. CALIENTE! I’ll use any spare time to brush up on my Spanish. 

Pero ahora, vamos a hacer esto.

__________

On the 6/10 “B.S. Report,” Adam Carolla channeled my innermost thoughts when he told Bill Simmons, “I just want to say this to all the soccer idiots out there: leave us alone! We don’t like your sport. We have superior sports.”

Channeling Bryan Holt’s innermost thoughts, Carolla added, “The phenomenon of it is the drunk hooligans.” 

Last Friday, photos leaked of Washington Capitals star Alex Ovechkin partying wildly with beautiful women on a private yacht. Caps management did say they wanted Ovechkin to spend his offseason “on ice.” Simple, but unfortunate mix up.

Ovechkin heard “Smirnoff on ice.” 

Consolation for first-round exit.

As Americans jumped on the soccer bandwagon for this year’s World Cup, several first-time viewing audiences were confused as to why ABC chose Carrot Top as lead analyst. 

Lalas/Top: Separated at birth?

On Friday during his post (alleged) assault media blitz, Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger promised fans they’d see “a new Ben.” I think I speak for all sober people when I say, I don’t care if “Ben” got a makeover or not. Keep him in your pants, Roethlisberger.

Over the weekend, Washington Nationals phenom Stephen Strasburg backed up his 14-strikeout debut with 5 1/3 innings of 2-hit ball – or as Strasburg would call it, “an unmitigated disaster.” 

On Sunday, Fox re-aired “The Simpsons” curling episode, painfully reminding 50 million Americans of the only sport they’d rather watch less than soccer.

DOH!

Also on Sunday, at the St. Jude Classic, journeyman Robert Garrigus blew a three-stroke lead on the tournament’s 72nd hole, or as French fans would say, “Pulled a John F****** Van De Velde.” 

Note to self: start drinking merlot AFTER finishing hole.

News broke this week that FedEx is offering $10 million to the BCS conference that accepts the University of Memphis. I really hope there’s a taker. Can you imagine the marketing synergies? 

Tiger Football: Where “Mailing It In” Isn’t Just a Pretense.

On Monday, Japan shocked Cameroon 1-0 in World Cup play. This marked both Japan’s first WC victory outside of its homeland and the only time Asians have topped Blacks in a sport not involving swords.

In non sequitur news, can somebody please explain to me why former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain did a Lovaza commercial?

Then

Now

After game five’s loss to the Celtics, Kobe Bryant told Yahoo! Sports that L.A.’s defense “belongs on milk cartons.” In Kobe’s defense, he would’ve toned down his remarks had he known teammate Adam Morrison’s actually been on a milk carton.

Have you seen me?

And finally, on Monday, the I-75 “Touchdown Jesus” statue in Ohio was burned to the ground during a thunderstorm. While state officials suspect lightning struck the six-story figure, a number of travelers have since claimed to have seen Charlie Weis miles down the road with matches and a can of kerosene. RIP, Notre Dame program.

Your thoughts, Ron?

– Robbie

“Gut Check” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux

 

This looks like a job for Mr. Bryant.

It’s the end of the week and we’re all tired. Time for me to pummel you with another 1,200-word monolith. If you like soccer, Bryan Holt’s weekly recap is probably more in your wheelhouse. If you can’t stomach overbearing nationalism, stay here.

I experimented with several other titles for this post. “Rising and Falling.” “Peaks and Valleys.” “Crests and Troughs.” You name it, I tried it. Then I stared at a blank screen for 35 minutes pondering how I’d possibly convey the emotional roller coaster that was the last seven days. Here’s what I came up with…

High: 21-year-old PGA sensation Rickie Fowler cruised to a Saturday night clubhouse lead at the Memorial with scores of 66, 65 and 69 in his first three rounds.

Low: Turned back into a pumpkin at midnight, a shaken Fowler coughs up victory with a final round 73.

High: Michigan State basketball coach Tom Izzo says early in the week he has no interest in leaving his school for a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Low: Michigan State basketball coach Tom Izzo says later in the week he’ll check with LeBron before he makes any rash decisions. 

High: USC’s Lane Kiffin gets exactly what was coming to him. 

Low: Reggie Bush, Juice Hellmans and Pete Carroll still seein’ dolla dolla bills, y’all.

High: The Celtics’ Ray Allen hits an NBA Finals record eight three-pointers en route to a crucial game two victory over L.A.

Low: The Celtics’ Ray Allen craps the bed in game three: 0-13 FG, 0-8 3P, 2 pts. 

High: The Chicago Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup for the first time in 49 years when mullet enthusiast Patrick Kane squeezes a puck past Flyers goalie Michael Leighton four minutes into game six OT.

Low: What? It went in?

High: NBC hockey analyst and former Blackhawks star Jeremy Roenick cries on air during the Stanley Cup presentation.

Low: Toothless Blackhawks’ defender Duncan Keith: “THERE’S NO CRYING IN HOCKEY!”

High: Nationals phenom Stephen Strasburg fans 14 in his Major League debut.

Low: The Big Ten just picked up its 14th team. 

High: Thursday morning text from Pops – “Ran into Mike Milbury twice at the Westin.”

Low: High probability Mike publicly humiliated my father like he did Jeremy Roenick during Wednesday’s post-game coverage.

Milbury being Milbury @ 1:12

High: NCAA bans Trojans from postseason play for two years and docks the program 30 scholarships.  

Low: 1) Would’ve been more helpful five years ago, when USC had a stranglehold on recruiting and New Years bowls 2) Why the hell is Paul Dee – the Paul Dee – on my TV screen right now? 3) Any time I think of Paul Dee, I think about how the Miami Hurricanes suck… If realignment pulls The U into the SEC, we won’t see 10+ wins till the Palin Administration. 

Paul Blart, Mall Cop Paul Dee, Committee on Infractions Chair

Dream Team

High: Two words: Derek. Fisher.

Low: Dead. Fish. In the Gulf of Mexico.

High: Last half of Thursday night text from friend: “At least tell me the Lakers lost.” Sure. 2-2. Game on.

Low: First half: “I’m stuck without a ride.”

High: The World Cup is here, which means 9:30 a.m. drink specials throughout Gainesville.

Low: Round-the-clock ESPN coverage dictates 9:30 a.m. wake up just to catch SportsCenter. 

High: It’s Friday. Let’s do this.

__________

Last Friday, Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger told reporters in his first interview since his dalliance with Small Town, GA that “I think this is a time for me to close a chapter of the last couple of years of my life.”

If Ben was referring to the years that covered his motorcycle crash, Super Bowl scramble and multiple sexual assault accusations, my guess is he’s talking about Chapter 5: “No  Protection.” 

The Chicago Bulls hired longtime Boston Celtics assistant Tom Thibodeau as new head coach Saturday. By Sunday, “But is he a leader of men?” trended higher than any other overwrought sports media cliche. 

On Sunday, the Dublin Ohio Correctional Facility released Rickie Fowler so he could complete the fourth round at Memorial.

Did I already make this joke?

Phil, you have met your match.

Also over the weekend, President Obama contradicted previous assertions that he’d like to see LeBron in a Bulls uni by telling Larry King that he hopes the King stays in Cleveland.

Makes sense to me. Ohio’s a swing state. 

Tony Kornheiser on Friday compared the blown Armando Galarraga perfect game call to overturning slavery. After realizing his own on-air lunacy, Tony told listeners, “Please don’t hang me for my crazy analogy before.” 

You might want to get a second opinion from Kelly Tilghman, but I don’t think that apology’s going to help. 

NBA commissioner David Stern publicly undressed NHL kingpin and former protege Gary Bettman Sunday night. Actually, Lakers-Celtics went head-to-head with coverage of Blackhawks-Flyers. 

Same thing.

Turning now to politics, Democrats opted Monday to forego town hall meetings in the face of public outrage from the Gulf oil spill.

Ironic right? These were the same guys prosecuting baseball’s steroid scandal and now they’re the ones avoiding public places due to connection with toxic substances.

Last week, 89-year-old White House Press Corp. mainstay Helen Thomas suggested to President Obama that Israelis should “get the hell out of Palestine and go home to Germany and Poland.”

Thomas’ naive remarks shouldn’t come as a huge surprise. She was, after all, the one who implored the Jews to “disregard the flood” and “welcome the Assyrians with open arms.” 

Helen retired later in the week after realizing her own senility/anti-Semitism. Her seat was promptly filled by a real reporter. 

Bill Madden of the New York Daily News reported Monday that baseball’s amphetamines ban could be the cause of the recent scoring decline and multiple perfect games. “Pardon The Interruption” then covered Madden’s story that afternoon, though Mike and Tony failed to comment on SC’s exact same report written a week earlier. 

As Mr. Tony would say, “day late, dolla dolla short, y’all.”

In non sequitur news…

You’re welcome, WordPress.

Roughly a month after President Obama visited the Louisiana shore to pinpoint “whose ass to kick”, BP engineers on Monday unveiled a strategy to collect and process 15,000 gallons of leaked oil per day. 

Put your calculators away. I got this one… Considering about 36.5 million gallons flooded the Gulf as of Monday and 800,000 gallons continue to spill out each day, it would take roughly 7 1/2 years to clean up the entire spill… You know, if we miraculously plugged the hole right this second.

The scary part? We’re both thinking the same thing – “Hey, not as bad as I thought.”

On Tuesday during the Saints’ volunteer trip to the Gulf Coast, linebacker Jonathan Vilma told reporters, “If you’re an oil company, how do you wipe your hands of this? Say, ‘Oh, my bad?’ You don’t see BP coming down here cleaning off the birds.” 

Afterward, the Saints drove back to New Orleans on the wind-powered team bus.

And finally, record industry heavyweight David Geffen on Wednesday expressed interest in purchasing the Clippers with the intent to land LeBron James. LeBron was of mixed emotions about the possible move. On the one hand, new ownership would force Donald Sterling out of L.A. On the other, signing with Geffen didn’t turn out so hot for Kurt Cobain.

Go easy on us, Rooney… Or don’t. I don’t care.

– Robbie

Zen Masters and Big Tickets: An NBA Finals Preview

 

Disregard Bryan's antics. It's go time.

It’s that time of the year, Casualtists… Time to win back all the money I’ve squandered on Cavs/Spurs bets. I will take a shot at Mike Brown should the opportunity present itself. What the hell was I thinking? (*hides head in shame*)

The following is a position by position breakdown of the 12th glorious installment of the greatest rivalry in sports (challenge me on this… I dare you). Thankfully, the playoffs stopped sucking about 10 days ago. I think the momentum carries over, and if it doesn’t, I place 100 percent of the blame on Doc Rivers. Let’s do this. 

Center: Andrew Bynum vs. Kendrick Perkins

Lakers: Bynum is one of the most frustratingly inconsistent big men in the game. He’s a worldbeater one night (21-11, on 8 of 10 FG in game 5 vs. OKC) and a total dog the next (2-7, on 0-5 FG in game 5 vs. PHX). You can, however, bank on the on-again, off-again seven-footer to come down with some debilitating leg injury precisely when it matters most. And this season is no different. Bynum tore meniscus in his right knee during game 6 of the Thunder series and posted a gaudy – for Michael Doleac – 7.4 pts, 6.9 rebs in the 10 games since. His banging, slow man’s style definitely matches up better against Perkins and Garnett than it does against the run-you-out-of-the-gym Suns, but at this point, his main contribution comes solely from his girth. He’s a mismatch on paper, at least, and another big body for the C’s bench to deal with. Still, he doesn’t match the intensity of Boston’s bigs and – surprise of surprises – just got his knee drained Monday. That worked out well for Kobe… Kobe’s not 300 pounds. 

Celtics: You might be tempted to overlook Perkins’ 5.6 pts and 6.4 boards in the 2010 playoffs thus far. And you probably should. Boston measures this guy’s contributions in nitty-gritties: boxing out, keeping offensive possessions alive on the glass, diving for loose balls, playing hard-nosed D… This is where Perk both excels and has the edge on the far more talented Bynum. He’s not a game changer, but he is a gamer – a guy who’s been molded into Little KG sans any of Garnett’s skills. He’s feisty as hell, always hustles and has yet to meet a charge he didn’t like to take. If he catches Gasol with an elbow to the nose, Boston’s getting its money’s worth.

Advantage: Lakers, by a nose. Bynum’s healthy size advantage is offset by his lack of mobility and hair-pulling inconsistency. The guy’s a walking crapshoot. 

Power Forward: Pau Gasol vs. Kevin Garnett

Lakers: I’m of the opinion that the Lakers are at their best when Kobe and Gasol are sharing the workload. The Big Acquisition destroyed the undersized Jazz to the tune of 23.5 pts, 14.5 rebs, then backed it up with four 21+ point games in the Phoenix series. He’s not the soft European pansy that critics accuse him of being, nor does he shy away from a challenge. His offensive numbers are up across the board from the regular season, and that he makes free throws in the clutch just makes his 20-11, .565 FG% 2010 playoff resume all the more impressive. Gasol is the ultimate No. 2 guy – he’s an alpha dog in his own right, but willing to defer to the alpha dog when the situation dictates. It’s a shame Kobe didn’t learn this lesson six years ago. He’d have seven rings by now.

Celtics: This next sentence has been hanging over me for a solid two months now… I sincerely apologize, Kevin Garnett. Yes, it is true that I not so long ago compared KG to both Sir Paul McCartney’s one-legged ex-wife and a dying golden retriever. This was around the time Garnett was carrying his right leg in a briefcase and hobbling up and down the court like a scurvy-stricken Betty White. Now he’s, dare I say it, Kevin Garnett again. Thirty-four year-old men are not supposed to heal like that. Didn’t happen to Chris Webber. Didn’t happen to Jermaine O’Neal. Didn’t happen to (insert 7-foot old guy). KG’s spin through the rejuvenation machine turned the Celtics’ season around. He’s not the maniacal f-bomb dropper he was two years ago, but he’s the maniacal f-bomb dropper you’d expect that guy to be two years on. The man is IN-TENSE – a little slower on both ends, but still the ferocious guard dog presence his team needs. His attitude is the kind of attitude that wins championships. Plus he’s perfected his baseline J. He’ll kill L.A.’s bigs if they collapse on Rondo in the paint. 

Advantage: Lakers. Gasol’s the more effective player at this point. If we’re measuring heart, Garnett’s second to none.

Small Forward: Ron Artest vs. Paul Pierce

Lakers: Asking me to speak seriously about Ron Artest is like asking Jessica Simpson to do a nude flick. Ain’t happenin. Ron Ron’s something of a savant – like Rain Man, except with a knack for jacking up ill-fated threes instead of counting cards. His defensive aptitude is still painfully overrated by people who haven’t seen him play in three years, but his gritty demeanor and general emotional instability still make him a pain in the ass for older, slower guys (ahem, Paul Pierce). He’d be a hell of a weapon if he ever adopted the Dennis Rodman mentality (the basketball part of that mentality, anyway). The guy’s buggy and crazy enough to be an offense-destroying pest. Unfortunately, he’s too busy being an offense-destroying pest for his own team. After almost single-handedly giving away game 5 of the Phoenix series with poor decision making, Artest redeemed himself with a miracle game-winning put-back at the buzzer. He then further boosted his confidence with a 10 of 16 FG performance in game 6. Phil Jackson is shaking his head right now – the last thing he needs is a Ron Ron with confidence. 

Paul Pierce: After the suckiness from his miserable Cleveland series subsided, Paul got back to reminding people of the guy that destroyed LeBron and Kobe in the ’08 playoffs. He lit up Orlando’s dead dog defense for 24.3 points on 51 percent from the field, while getting to the line at will (10+ free throw attempts in five of six games). His monster closeout game was particularly impressive: 31 pts on 9 of 15 FG, 9 of 10 FT, 13 rebs. By all accounts, Pierce has fully recovered from his slew of knickknack injuries and on track to torch the Lakers like he did in ’08. If Artest successfully gets under his skin, you could see a cameo from the Bad Body Language Monster, but I have full confidence in the championship pedigree. Boston needs to exploit this advantage, because they don’t have many.

Advantage: Celtics. I think I just told you that.

Shooting Guard: Kobe Bryant vs. Ray Allen

Lakers: Honest to goodness, I just got a little chill when I typed Mamba’s name. It feels hallowed at this point, right? You feel me on this one? No…? Look, I know that you hate Kobe. I know he’s got an awkward Jordan fetish. I know he does that weird clinched-jawed grunting thing to fire himself up. And I know he’s four wins away from title No. 5. He’s one of the greatest players we’ve ever seen. Period. Quick story: my friend PK and I had the “is Kobe just old?” discussion after game 5 against Oklahoma City. We weren’t the only ones. Ask Mike Wilbon, or anybody at TNT. Kobe had scored 25 points in his last two games. Durantula was running circles around him. Okay. So here are his point totals in every game since that April 27 conversation: 32, 31, 30, 35, 32, 40, 21, 36, 38, 30, 37. Kobe heard the whispers. Now he’s in full Eff You Mode. He’s also the best player in basketball. I don’t know how you stop that. 

Celtics: In the words of the Great Dan Patrick: you cannot stop Ray Allen, you can only hope to contain him. Back in February, I begged Danny Ainge to hang on to Allen at the trade deadline, arguing that, at 34, he was still the most capable of The Big 3 of contributing in the long run. Then I compared him to a late-career Reggie Miller or a “billionaire’s Steve Kerr.” As my father would say: once again, I have been proven correct. Bear with me while I make a list of all the things I like about Ray… I like how he’s old and still has the quickest release since Dan Marino. I like how he’s old and still dunks in your grill at every opportunity. I like how he does that “yessir” finger sign after every big three, and I like how that move makes me wish I was black. I like how Ray almost won game 4 of the Orlando series by himself even though Boston had no business stretching that one to OT. I like Momma Ray, who always comes decked in a #20 C’s jersey and has all the fire of her son. And I really like how Ray will run Kobe off of every moving screen and twice as many back picks. The guy’s a warrior. And a series away from ring No. 2. How many you got, Reggie Miller?

Advantage: Come on. Lakers. 

Point Guard: Derek Fisher vs. Rajon Rondo

Lakers: Can’t knock D-Fish. He’s been doing pretty much exactly what he’s been doing since his first L.A. season 14 years ago: busting his ass, carrying himself like a pro, popping up every now and then as the Lakers’ third scoring option. His playoffs numbers this year are all up from his regular season totals and his career playoffs averages. Yeah, he’s still a ridiculously streaky shooter, but he’s been on more often than not recently, hitting double digits in 10 of 16 postseason games. That “liability” tag looks pretty stupid when you read 11 points, 46% FG, 39% 3FG. Now the defensive end is another story, which brings us to this guy…

Celtics: Rajon Rondo. He’s been every bit as good as his 17-10-5 playoff numbers would suggest and all of a sudden put his name in the discussion with Nash, Williams and Paul as the best point guard in basketball. From a consistency standpoint he’s not there yet – even though that 15 footer’s getting better by the day – but his 29 pts, 13 assts, 18 rebs performance in game 4 against Cleveland forecasts a higher ceiling than all of those guys. This is the matchup Boston needs to dominate if they’re going to challenge L.A… They will. Fisher couldn’t stick with Rondo if he was made of Velcro. He will get into the paint at will, which means open jumpers for KG and slash and kick threes for Pierce and Allen. I still don’t understand how defenders haven’t figured out that fake-behind-the-back to layup move. Whatever. Rondo’s awesome. Best guy on the team. And now he’s got the keys to the car. 

Advantage: Celtics. If Phil Jackson sleeps, Rondo is the guy that haunts his dreams. 

Bench: Odom, Brown, Farmar, Walton, Vujacic vs. ‘Sheed, Big Baby, Allen, Robinson, Finley 

Lakers: I don’t think it’s much of an overstatement to say that the L.A.’s reserves consist of Lamar Odom, Lamar Odom’s reflection and the shadow of Lamar Odom. Jordan Farmar and Luke Walton have been worthless. Shannon “Throw It Down” Brown’s good solely for a spectacular highlight now and then, and the only reason Sasha Vujacic gets off the bench is to mix it up with his fellow Slovenian bros. So it’s a good thing that Odom’s rounded game picks up the slack. After ho-hum series against the Thunder and Jazz, he rebounded in the uptempo Suns series with at least 15 points in four of six games and at least 10 boards in five of six. Odom can guard multiple positions, too, and his work ethic makes the voluptuous Rasheed Wallace look like the disinterested assclown that he is.

Celtics: Here’s the thing about the Disinterested Assclown: he’s really, really talented. Almost despite himself. ‘Sheed was a disaster all season – a walking man tit who made Bostonians think that the -20 degree weather was the second worst part about January in New England. He didn’t try. Didn’t care. He jacked up threes that made Doc Rivers want to end his own life right there on the sidelines. ‘Sheed shot 28 percent from downtown during the regular season… on 290 attempts! The playoffs? Better. A lot better. Up to 41 percent. And after disappearing in the Miami series, he’s shown signs of being something other than a Pudgy Technical Waiting To Happen, scoring at least 10 in five of 12 games since. ‘Sheed’s also a solid defender when he pretends to care. Tony Allen is a solid defender always. The rest of the bench is undersized, and Glenn Davis, in particular, will have a hell of a time banging with the Lakers’ bigs. Don’t buy the Nate Robinson hype. He had a nice game 4 against Orlando. That’s where it ends.

Advantage: Boston’s better top to bottom, but Odom’s essentially the sixth starter on a loaded team. Lakers.

Intangibles: Phil and Jack vs. Doc and Irish Drunks

Lakers: Phil Jackson collects championship rings like some guys collect toy trains. Yeah, he’s had great teams, but he also has this unparalleled ability to get the absolute most out of every one of his players. He never panics. He never calls hasty timeouts. He’s the guy who said, after back-to-back losses to Phoenix, if we can’t deal with this adversity, we might as well call it quits. The Zen Master tag is legit – he has an uncannily calming influence and mans the sidelines like a professorial Genghis Kahn. Total control, always. As for the rest of Tinseltown, did you see Jack Nicholson wave the flag at Indy last weekend? Great shape for 73. Now add Leo, Denzel, Sly, JT, 12,000 Kobe jerseys and Lakers Girls. Screw the late arriving crowd. The Stapler will rock.

Celtics: The TD Garden gets loud, but hits a wall when it comes to chants with the “r” sound. Example: YOU-SUCK-LUH-MAH. I mean, will Odom even know they’re talking about him? Negative points for booing your team during the regular season, too. Otherwise, Boston’s home court has a lot going for it – namely, boisterous New Englanders who know basketball and can’t hold their liquor, disturbing green leprechauns and, of course, Sean Grande, one of the best play-by-play guys around. I’m a big Doc Rivers guy as well. He’s no Xs and Os whiz, but the man’s passion and coaching-from-the-gut style perfectly matches the fire of his superstars.

Advantage: Lakers. Two words: ten rings.

Prediction: I feel foolish picking against Boston since they’ve proven me and everybody else wrong for 2 straight months. But I like the Lakers in six. They’re too big up front and have the best player on the court. Kobe gets one for the thumb. Phil gets one for the toe. And Shaq cries himself to sleep at night. 

– Robbie

LeBron’s Vacant Throne

 

Get up, LeBron.

I hesitate to write anything about LeBron James’ recent struggles for a couple of reasons. For one, he’s still playing playoff basketball. Any contention that this Cavs-Celtics series is over at 3-2 is absolutely absurd to anyone that has followed Bron and seen what he’s capable of. You remember the 48 Special against Detroit. You remember last season’s buzzer-beating 26-foot bomb to edge Orlando.

I also tend to shy away from the LeBron discussion because I think evaluations of his legacy at this stage are ultimately moot. He’s 25-years-old. If he doesn’t win a title this year in Cleveland, he’ll win one next year in Cleveland. Or somewhere else. 

That said, I feel obligated to respond when I get called out for my unabashed Bron-hood with text messages like this: 

Have you ever even seen DWade disappear like this?… If everyone wants to crown this guy, then he needs to show up and not make bs elbow excuses… Btw at the beginning of series he only drove b/c his elbow hurts, now he only shoots b/c his elbow hurts, these commentators need to pick an excuse and stick with it. ~ Philip Kates, Delusional Heat Fan, Wednesday, 10:37 p.m.

Now, I’m of the belief that the LeBron-Wade comparison is a bogus one, a fool’s errand. LBJ has bigger fish to fry. When all is said and done, we will only be ranking him among the best players of his generation if said players are also among the greats of all time. Wade isn’t there yet. He may never be. That said… No. I’ve never seen D-Wade lay the kind of dinosaur egg that LeBron laid in what might be his Cleveland sendoff. He finished with 15 points on 3 of 14 shooting. Clanked his first seven shots. Didn’t get a bucket until 6:15 left in the third with the C’s already up 15. 

He got yanked for the final time with 3:58 left and down by 27. The Q booed. And LeBron shrugged at his coach and his teammates as if to say, didn’t think it’d go down like this. Wasn’t supposed to go down like this… Ain’t all bad, though. Got places to go, people to see, money to make.

It’s been real, Cleveland. Tell the Ghost of 1964 I say “peace.” 

Not as much fun as your first title in 46 years.

Can we blame back-to-back Houdinis on Bron’s gimpy arm? Is he really hurt? Perhaps. But that’s not a legitimate excuse for the all-timers. Kobe’s mangled claw of a shooting hand comes to mind, as does Jordan’s transcendent “Flu Game” in the ’97 Finals. MJ’s game 5 line: 38 points, 7 boards, 5 assists, 3 steals, 1 win, 1 case of severe food poisoning. LeBron is a physically freakish 6’9″, 275-pound monster. I’m no doctor, but I think he can tough out a bruised elbow. His 21 points in the first quarter of game 3 suggest that it doesn’t hurt that bad anyway. 

Aside from the elbow, the most ardent of King supporters – me – have a bevy of excuses they can throw out should Skip Bayless’ wildest dreams come true Thursday night. They go like this…

His team still sucks. Jamal Mashburn said on SportsCenter before the game 5 drubbing that Cleveland would be a lottery team without LeBron. I don’t think anybody with their full set of chromosomes seriously disputes this. The Cavs’ pair of 60-win seasons speak far more to LeBron’s quantum leap than Danny Ferry’s eye for talent. When The King is good, his teammates are good. When The King is bad, his teammates are bad. It’s as simple as that. There isn’t a guy on that team that can control an eight-minute stretch, let alone a full 48, when Bron’s game sours. He’s got no Pippen. He’s got no McHale. He’s not a Shaq to anyone’s Kobe or a Kobe to anyone’s Gasol. In all the “Hey, they got Jamario Moon!” talk, you forget that Jamario Moon is Jamario Moon. And that Mo Williams is Mo Williams. And that Shaq has tits. And that Bron’s wingman is a 33-year-old career sidekick who’s at the tail end of his prime and coming off a 19-win season.

His coach still sucks. I half-seriously asked Bill Simmons Wednesday night if Mike Brown was the antichrist. Good guy by all accounts. People seem to like him. He wins coach of the year. And before you know it, he’s dragging your season to hell. Brown’s never been confused for an offensive guru, but his adamant refusal to play small against quicker teams is flummoxing even for him. He’s got a stable of thoroughbreds and the best finisher in the game, yet insists on clogging his offense and defense with a walking man-boob, as J.J. Hickson withers away on the bench. In his five seasons in Cleveland, he still hasn’t come up with a better crunch time offense than the patented Clear Out For LeBron. Shameful. 

His agency is still free. I don’t really buy the too-many-distractions argument, but then again, I’ve never been openly courted by Jay-Z and Beyonce. The Bron recruiting blitz kicked into full gear last offseason and has since included cameos from every living rapper, a Russian billionaire, Spike Lee and, just last night, John Calipari. Yes, Coach Cal, the current Kentucky basketball kingpin/future Bulls employee was sitting courtside with LeBron’s agent. I don’t pretend to know what kind of pressure that puts on a man of The King’s stature. I do know the guy’s human. 

Bron's prospective entourage.

Fortunately, you’re not gonna have to stomach any of these cop-outs. Now is the time when the greatest of the greats step up and do special things. I fully expect as much from LeBron in games 6 and 7, despite his seemingly blase attitude. I think he cares, and I know he’s the best player on the floor. This is my guy. My wagon is hitched. 

Like I said, LeBron will win titles. It’s a matter of when, not if. But his detractors will always justifiably point to a gaping hole in his Pantheonic resume should he fail to deliver in Cleveland. And if he leaves empty handed, we’ll ultimately remember these years as nothing more than wasted youth – a golden child lost, and memories of what could’ve been.

– Robbie

24, Presented By Jack Bauer: Celtics-Spurs

 

"Better to burn out than it is to rust."

What better way to celebrate the Final Four than talk pro hoops? Just a quick thought on the Tourney, though: why the hell did Bruce Pearl wait till five minutes left to start trapping? FIVE MINUTES!? No, I’m just kidding. I was in the library. I have no idea what happened. Congrats on a solid year, coach.

Alright, so you probably weren’t one of the four people that read my last “24” post. Here’s how it works: I DVR a game on Sundays because this is typically the day I spend holed up in Library West, pounding away at a week’s worth of Research Methods homework (read: tweeting #nbaplayerlotions… Al-Faruq Aveeno, Emeka Aquafor, etc.). In light of my severe bout with procrastination, I end up cranking out recaps of NBA second halves i.e. the last 24 minutes. Lucky for you, this game started at 8 p.m. So I’m just going to knock out the whole damn thing. You should probably quit right now. I imagine this post could be a tremendous waste of your time.

Here’s the setup. The Spurs, my secret favorite team, are on the decline due to fielding half their team from a retirement home. This is a huge compliment to Richard Jefferson, who is in fact dead. As QBKILLA (aka Warren Sapp) broke the news this morning via Twitter: “Spurs almost in 8th Place!!” Warren is on it, though actually the Spurs are in seventh, and have pretty much secured a playoff spot. They’re six games out of ninth and only four out of the second seed. And need to avoid the Lakers in the first round at all costs. 

The Celtics, on the other hand, have used my bulletin board material – I eulogized the Big 3 two weeks ago – to kick their season into gear. They’ve won 7 of 10 and leapfrogged the fourth-seeded Hawks. Rasheed Wallace still has massive tits.

__________

First Quarter (From Boston)

12:00: The major perk to this game is that Hubie Brown is doing color. He’s prone to exaggeration, so I feel like we’re kindred spirits. Also, if he was a hand lotion, he would be Yu-Be Brown. Yes, I spent all day thinking of these.

11:28: It’s taken exactly 32 seconds for Richard Jefferson to pick up two fouls. He’s going to the bench. Coach Pop sends in live body Keith Bogans. 

9:00: C’s forward Kevin Garnett “looks as healthy as he’s looked all season,” according to play-by-play guy Dan Shulman. Blind guys totally agree with this. Pierce finds KG on a lob, but he doesn’t have the legs to dunk it. I’ve compared Garnett both to an 11-year-old golden retriever and Heather Mills, and as far as I can tell, he hasn’t gotten any younger in the last two weeks. 10-6, Celtics. 

This didn't take long... Gratuitous King

6:03: “Kevin Garnett is getting stronger by the day,” says exaggerator Hubie Brown, as The Big Ticket hits a baseline 15-footer. Here’s KG’s splits by month… You be the judge. 

October: 13 pts, 7 Reb, 53% FG; November: 14.4, 7.4, 52.4%, December: 16.2, 8, 58%; January: 12.2, 5.8, 47%; February: 14, 7.6, 55%; March: 14, 7.8, 50%

1:34: Speaking of old legs, Duncan misses a reverse layup and trudges back down the floor like an 8-months-pregnant woman. He’s 0-4 shooting tonight. Meanwhile, point guards George Hill and Rajon Rondo are putting on a clinic. I hope they both hit 20 points. I feel like Hubie has a Bird-Dominique comparison in him.

0:48: The Spurs are getting dominated on the boards, which is no surprise because they’re dead last in offensive rebounding. I’m more intrigued by walking corpse Michael Finley, who asked out of San Antonio because they have better assisted living facilities in Boston. Cold weather’s apparently good for one’s three-point stroke, though: 31.7% in S.A, 43% in 11 games with Boston. 23-19, Celtics.

Second Quarter

10:00: I preface the following statement by telling you that I picked the Cavs and Spurs to make the finals at the beginning of the year, and have $20 on both in a bet with my friend PK… If the Spurs make a run (I know, I know), it’s going to be because of Manu “Manu” Ginobili. He’s averaging 22 points a game in March, and looking very much like the athlete of ’07. Too bad there’s a high correlation between the guy’s bald spot and his team’s overall relevance. Bald spot bigger, title chances lower.

7:38: Manu gets his 11th point. 31-27, San Antonio, as Dukie Shelden William swaps in for Big Baby Davis. I was really enjoying the Rasheed-Baby tandem. Between the two of them, I thought I was watching the cast of “Baywatch: Harlem.”

You wish you had a rack like that.

6:00: “One of the best in the league that we have,” says Hubie, as Ginobili weaves through the lane and makes an acrobatic layup. The “in the league that we have” is totally Hubie’s crutch. He’ll say it 20 times tonight. I hope one of them is, “Rasheed Wallace has the best pair that we have in this league. You know Dan, he reminds me of a young Pam Anderson.” Manu’s got 13. 38-30, Spurs.

4:03: A hustling ‘Sheed dives for a loose ball, and flings a perfect outlet pass to an in-stride Rondo. Just kidding. But he did just hit a wide-open three, a rarity since he’s only shooting 28% from distance. Wallace has pretty much filled the exact same role that Antoine “No Benjamins” Walker mastered… Reporter: “Antoine, why do you shoot so many threes?” Antoine: “‘Cause there’s no fours.” 7-0 Celtics run. 40-37, Spurs.

3:01: Timmy sinks his first basket of the game with a line-drive jumper from the foul line. On the other end, Ginobili sends KG sprawling to his back on a full-ball rejection. All of these old people in one sentence gives me the opportunity to point out the advanced age of both teams… Celtics Geezers: Ray Allen (34), Michael Finley (37), KG (33), Paul Pierce (32), Brian Scalabrine (32), Rasheed (35)… Spurs Geezers: Duncan (33), Manu (32), Antonio McDyess (35), Richard Jefferson (deceased).

Exactly six feet higher than usual.

0:00: “I like what we’re seeing… We’re just seeing poor shooting at both ends of the floor,” Hubie says. Besides the house worth of bricks on each side, totally agree – love turnovers and missed shots. I feel like Hubie could have been a White House secretary in another life. 44-43, Spurs. You know how people say that the fourth quarter of NBA games is the only thing worth watching? They’re 100 percent correct. 

Third Quarter

11:15: Fun fact as Manu finds a cutting Jefferson for a baseline layup: Hubie Brown is in the Hall of Fame. Why is this fun you ask? Because he’s got a career .492 win percentage, .368 in the NBA. 

9:41: “Vintage Jefferson!” says Shulman as the 29-year-old gets his own offensive rebound, cuts through the lane and lays the ball in over an outstretched Garnett… I hope I’m not dead by 29. And I hope my friends aren’t referring to “Vintage Hilson!” when I’m 29. 56-48, Spurs.

7:11: Remember when people were comparing Paul Pierce to Kobe and LeBron after the ’08 Finals? That wasn’t that long ago, right? He’s got a quiet 13 tonight and getting worked on both ends by Ginobili. Nice drive to the hole, though. (Michael Scott: “That’s what she said.” Thanks, Mike)

5:58: The refs just annulled a Rajon Rondo three after four minutes of game time. The ball was in his fingertips at the shot clock expired. Annulled after four minutes… Rondo three eerily similar to Brittany Spears’ fist marriage. 58-49, Spurs. Also, Paul Pierce just fell awkwardly on his shoulder. Pierce clanks his first free-throw and promptly clutches said shoulder like it’s been hacked with a machete.  

4:22: Even as the lead increases to 62-49, the Spurs fall in the standings. Portland just won and Warren Sapp is garnering Nostradamus comparisons. In other news, Richard Jefferson hits another off-balance jumper and two minutes later gets to the line by out-sprinting three C’s defenders to chase down a crafty 20-foot bounce pass from Duncan. Is this the play of a dead man? No. Will I stop making dead man jokes about him? (*thinking*)

No.

2:19: Pierce steps to the line and swishes a pair of free-throws for only the 9th and 10th Celtics points of the quarter. Miraculously, the shoulder is all better. Ric Bucher reports a “stinger.” I’m reporting “bruised pride.”

0:38: “We can’t say enough good things about Shelden Williams,” says Hubie in a fit of Dukie affection. Big Shelden’s averaging a 3.6 and 2.8 as a Celtic this season. He gives very enthusiastic high fives, though, and is killing it on the boards tonight. 

0:00: Hey, if you watch NBA games long enough, something spectacular is bound to happen. Ginobili whispers to himself, “This one’s for you, Holt” before darting down the left sideline and banking home a one-handed three over two Celtics defenders at the buzzer. “The NBA: Where Amazing Happens… Eventually.” 77-60, Spurs, as I contemplate sparing you the fourth quarter.

The NBA: Where "This Is the Only Game Pic I Could Find" Happens

Fourth Quarter

12:00: Still here. Your loss.

11:20: This is the point of the game where ESPN feels obligated to share goofy stats to compensate for an increasingly non-competitive affair. So here you go: The Celtics were 70-12 at home during ’07-’08 and ’08-’09; they’ve already lost 12 games at home this year. Since I started writing this paragraph, KG failed to close out UF alum/redhead Matt Bonner on an open three, and then Ginobili and Hill both scored on drives into the porous Celtics paint defense. 84-67, as the PA guy plays “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” over the sound system in a vein attempt to keep people in the building. 

8:11: Sill here. Your loss.

7:00: “Boy, there is some grumbling in the stands right now,” says Shulman, as the Spurs pull down their fourth offensive rebound of the quarter. He adds, “This is maybe the ugliest half of basketball the Celtics have played all season.” Yep. Picked a perfect game to blog. Then again, as Cleveland’s Shaquille O’Neal might say: It’s all about fillin’ space, holmes. 84-67, Spurs.

5:00: The superlatives continue to role in. Shulman: “Really a lifeless second half for the Celtics.” Doc sends in Michael Finley, Brian Scalabrine, Tony Allen, Nate Robinson and Big Baby amid a shower of boos. 90-67, as half the Spurs head for the locker room, Pops and Timmy toast a shot of Cap’n Morgan’s, and I begin to wonder how Versus’ coverage of the D League hijacked my flat screen. 

Attrition.

2:00: Don’t worry, we’re not talking about this game anymore. (“You have to punch the clock for the full 48 tonight,” Shulman tells Hubie in a secret nod to Yours Truly.) Nope, instead we’re talking about women’s college basketball. Baylor center Brittney Griner’s blocked 24 shots over the last two games of the Tourney, which is fitting given that my friend and I were blocked 24 times at the The Top last night. Dear girls with boyfriends and an all-female posse: please stay home.

0:00: 94-73, Spurs, as I begin to think that a victory over Cleveland and a victory over Boston in three days means that I didn’t totally light my $20 on fire. One more, Timmy. For me. 

– Robbie

Roundball Roundup

 

"I'm younger than that now."

The following is the first installment in an NBA midweek recap feature. Blake Griffin did not make the cut… Get it? Cut?

Hornets center Hilton Armstrong is reevaluating his career decisions after being shipped to Sacramento for cash considerations and a 2016 conditional second-round pick. The Tuesday “trade” was more like a yard sale, except with yard sales 1) people don’t just let you take their crap and 2) 300-pound, stationary objects usually stay in the yard. 

Armstrong’s $3.8 contract expires in 3 months.

Takeaway question you should ponder: what are “cash considerations” and can I use them to pay my tuition?

Also Tuesday night, the Grizzlies topped the Clippers 104-102 in a game that included a mandatory arena evacuation. In the middle of the third quarter, a burst water line triggered FedEx Forum’s alarm system. The PA announcer directed fans to the nearest exit – not because of the busted pipe. He just assumed, “Hey, it’s Grizz-Clips. These poor people need a break.”

On Sunday, while LeBron was dropping 41 on Portland in the Rose Garden, color analyst Doris Burke was busy, in my mind, comparing her rugged good looks to a certain Titanic star. Are you like me, do you look at Burke and see Kate Winslet? And if so, does this say more about Doris or Kate?

Doris Burke

The debate nearly overshadowed the most important aspect of the Blazers-Cavs showdown. No, not LBJ’s throwback Nikes… Lebron’s sneaky cool mini-‘fro, which is undoubtedly the best old-school interpretation of said cut since Vinsanity rocked a similar style during the 2000 Summer Olympics. No word yet as to whether the King has jumped over Zydrunas Ilguaskas in practice.

Now would be a good time to call off those September Lakers-Celtics bets. The Hawks swept their three-game season series with Boston on Sunday and the Spurs pasted L.A. two nights later. “Foul,” you cry. “The Lakers were Pau-less, the Celts without KG.” I say injuries are part of the game. They better be healthy come mid-April.

Tim Duncan is decidedly not hurt. The Big Fundamental destroyed young pup Andrew Bynum on Tuesday with a 25-13-4-4. He’s one of three guys, along with Chris Bosh and Zach “Please, No More Fat Jokes” Randolph, that is averaging 20 points and 10 boards, and at 33 is putting together his finest statistical season since ’06-’07, when the Spurs won the last of their four titles. That Duncan is doing it while playing with the memory of Richard Jefferson makes the feat all the more impressive.

Sticking with old dudes, Dominque Wilkins hit 50 for the eighth time Wednesday. Happy birthday, ‘Nique. Here’s hoping the Human Highlight Reel, already snubbed once by the league, gets the due he deserves when the NBA announces its 100 at 100. Young Damien Wilkins, 30, is crossing his fingers.

And finally, Sean Elliot steals the spotlight in this week’s edition of Too Colorful Color Commentary. Here’s an actual snippet of what Elliot told play-by-play man Bill Land during NBA TV’s coverage of Spurs-Lakers:

“[Kobe Bryant] wants to see you vanquished. He wants to see your rotting corpse on the ground. And, you know, you want that in your star player.”

Land was quick to laugh off the comment, downplaying the idea that Kobe Bryant would ever actually kill someone.

– Robbie